Cursed From Birth Out Of Hatred

I know some people think they are cursed because they are going through a rough patch, or things are not working out the way they want to, or they can't find love.

In my case however it goes way beyond that. From birth onwards - and I am now 40 - my entire life has been one major tragedy after another. I don't want to go into all the details as if I did so, I would be writing a book.

So I will just write about the major events.

Hated from the moment on I was born, I experienced already as a child extreme hatred and abuse. My biological "parents" - though I cannot call them "parents" - cursed me countless times, and inflicted the worst imaginable abuse on me - including psychological terror, ferocious beatings, and selling me to "men" for their pleasure. Contrary to what readers might think, the psychological terror was by far the worst, resulting in me becoming so terrified that I was unable to even walk straight. They hated me because they did not want me to be born, and as I still came along they viewed me as "being in the way". Countless times they tried to kill me and make it look as if I had died naturally - but I survived.

When I was a teenager I was kicked out in the street, so the following years were nothing but abusive relationships, ending up in care and getting abused there, in a shared flat where I was abused by the other girls there, and a particularly violent "boyfriend" who beat me to a pulp whilst pregnant, and then, when I didn't lose the baby, forced me into an abortion.

Then my grandmother died under mysterious circumstances.

Shortly after, these people (my biological "parents") sold me into a forced marriage. I was abducted and kept as a slave for nearly three years so that my then "husband" could obtain a visa in the UK (he was an illegal immigrant). When I managed to come out of this situation, after having lost everything, my possessions, inheritance from my grandmother etc, and stranded all alone in a foreign country (I am not from the UK originally), I attampted to inform the police and other authorities of what happened. But I only found that I came across disbelief and accusations of me allegedly being "racist". Nothing was done against the person concerned, and I was put on the blacklist as an alleged "liar".

Then came seven years of being unemployed and starving and freezing on welfare benefits. Despite being highly intelligent and well educated, I could not find a job no matter what I did or how hard I tried. My twenties were therefore spent starving and freezing in winter to such an extend that I very nearly died - often I had no food at all for an entire week (welfare is nowhere near enough for childless people in the UK). Only my beloved cat helped me through this as people refused to be friends with me. The only people who pretended to be friends were abusive, accused me of being "schizophrenic" and ran me down - it later turned out they were using mind control to try to convert me to their cult. They certainly never helped or even believed me.

I came across yet another guy who nearly raped me, told police, but was accused of "lying before so I must be lying now". Despite the guy being - so it turned out - a known rapist, I was not believed and nothing got done.

Living then in terrible conditions, in a run down, dirty and damp house, I wanted to move away but this was prevented by authorities - having lost everything, I could only apply for social housing - but came across stubborn authorities who insisted that I should stay where I was.

I continued suffering and had to experience two more abusive relationships when I finally found a job - very low paid and ridiculously long hours, but I was glad. However, several months later I was bullied out of the job with false allegations.

So I went back on welfare benefits, eventually found another job, but it was again very low paid and very long hours, including shift work. Just over a year after that a colleague attacked me with the fist. I complained but was not believed. I was subsequently blacklisted and prevented from promotion.

The same year I had to undergo a hysterectomy at the tender age of 31, having suffered with extremely painful gynecological problems and a premature menopause, so having children was out.

The next year I met someone at work, a manager - not my manager though - who the following year raped me. I did not tell anyone at work but went to police, who told everybody in the company. A few months later a neighbor threatened to kill me and attempted to do so several times. I was so terrified I could not go to work. Subsequently the company thought they had the perfect way to get rid of me - they wrongly accused me of being "mentally ill" and invented stories of my alleged "irrational behavior". I was suspended and blackmailed into either seeing a psychiatrist or getting fired. Knowing that, despite my good education, I would not get another job - as I had been unemployed many years - I had no choice but to go along with this. The psychiatrist was astonished that I had been sent to see him as he could clearly see that there was nothing wrong with me, and that my fear of the neighbor was completely normal given her behavior and threats. I was then finally allowed back to work, but continued to be prevented from promotion.

At the same time I had become friends with, and then started a relationship with, a guy who at first told me - like all the others - that I was "not good enough" as a proper girlfriend - in fact, none of the previous abusive boyfriends had ever wanted to marry me, and this guy said the same. Eventually the relationship became very strained and resulted in arguements and fallouts.

I met someone else and tried to have a relationship with him, but found that he was also abusive, so much so that he tried to convince me that his house was haunted. This left me so terrified I could barely sleep, and it was not until much later that I found out that the reason electrical items in his house came on by themselves was because he had put them on a timer. He terrorized me with stories of how ghosts had appeared to him, how the basement of his house was haunted etc. Only later did I find out that he was in fact diagnosed as mentally ill, but refused to take his medication.

The first guy was by then still following me around, so eventually we got back together, but the relationship soon turned as strained as before.

Then my beloved cat died suddenly under mysterious circumstances. No veterinary specialist could find the reason and I was devastated and desperate to find out the real reason for his passing, but no matter how many specialists I consulted, the reason for his death could not be established. I was devastated like never before in my life. My cat had been my life, my everything, and he had been in excellent health and still young!

I continued the relationship with the first guy as I still hoped it would work out and that eventually there would be commitment, but that never came. We argued more and more and the strain got worse.

After a while I finally ended the relationship.

A few months after that, more disaster struck. I met what I thought was a genuine young man, who seemed very loving. Over time I fell in love with him and we decided to get married. So we did, and he came to the UK. Strangely enough though he spoke of leaving me, and eventually he became extremely abusive. I could not understand this as he had been so so loving before. Three and a half weeks ago, after one year of marriage, I found out the terrible truth. He had only married me for a visa! Then he left, changed his cell phone number - so that I cannot contact him - and he went underground.

I have had to involve police due to his physical abuse, but found yet again that I was not being believed, despite having had injuries. Police actually played the injuries down and made it out that I was just a "twisted madwoman" with comments like "your injuries are not that bad, you don't have broken bones and you are not bleeding, you are just an angry woman wanting revenge, forget about it and move on with your life".

Since then I am in shock (I've written in another post about this) and cannot seem to get better. I cannot eat, and when I try to sleep, I am haunted by terrifying nightmares and sleep paralysis. I tried to find other reasons for his sudden departure and his abusive behavior, but had final confirmation yesterday that he was indeed just after a visa, and does in fact not care how I feel.

The shock is even worse than when my beloved cat died, and for the first time in my life I have been near suicidal. Cruelly enough he left one week before what would have been our first wedding anniversary. I now, since he left and the truth came out, spend my time sobbing and living in memories, in deep shock, and getting worse instead of better. Going to work is out - resulting in me having missed a job interview, which in turn will result in me losing my job next year.

I am 40 now, still without friends, and obviously without family. There is absolutely nobody.

I have over the years tried everything to find friends - I've been to several courses, and countless evening classes, I have vounteered for a charity and other causes, I have been to friendship clubs etc. Each and every time I found that, wherever I turned up, and despite being cheerful, friendly, chatty, and interested in meeting people, everywhere I turned up people took an instant dislike to me and wanted nothing to do with me. The only exception were false friends - ie, people who tried to use me for one thing or another.

Interesting also that the curses that my biological "parents" wished on me have exactly come true. They were full of extreme hatred towards me and cursed me that my long, black hair - of which my "mother" was particularly jealous - would be short and light colored, that I would never get married, never have children - in fact, never have a monthly period - and spend my life friendless and in poverty.

All this has exactly come true - most of my hair has fallen out, and what is left turned shorter and shorter, and lighter and lighter, over the years - and no doctor can find an explanation. I have gone to the top specialists, countless tests have been done - but no explanation could be found. I have also lost my eyebrows and eyelashes. I have indeed also never had a monthly period, the only time I was pregnant I had a forced abortion, since then I am completely infertile, and I have never been really married - the two "marriages" having been just for immigration purposes. I have never found friends, and, despite being highly intelligent and very well educated, I have spent my life in bitter poverty and in social housing - which is so unusual for someone educated, intelligent and attractive that people who find out about it straight away either assume that there "must be something wrong with me", or that I must be "stupid, uneducated and lazy". When they then find that this is not the case, they wonder even more why someone like me is not in a good job and living in a decent area, and so they invent the wildest stories about me, or just don't understand what's going on - in all cases, people view me with suspicion and want nothing to do with me. I therefore remain friendless. And I am still in poverty, having lost all my money on this recent "husband" - who never worked and just lived off my money - and being still in a dead end, low paid job - and next year I face redundancy, so I will be back on welfare benefits.

As is clearly obvious, there is something going on because a life story like mine is simply beyond normal! In fact, it is completely unheard of. I know that my biological "parents" cursed me, so the curse that's on me originates from them. Question is - what can I do about it?