I have been through a lot. My entire family has really. I know lots of others deal with a great deal as well, but sometimes I feel like I am cursed.
Looking back I was always different. I think I might have some psychic or clairvoyant abilities. I might have even been around in a past life. For some reason, the late 1890s-1920s seem like home to me. One of my earliest memories was when I was a preschooler. I questioned why I was in this body. It was as if I knew I wasn't who I was supposed to be. I really cannot explain it. Basically, it was the way I was questioning beyond the inquisitive preschooler phase. I knew something was wrong or not right. I sense things at times. It can be just a feeling or seeing colors. I saw rainbow auras or something for the first time after my youngest brother died. Growing up I became afraid of a lot of things. I had very graphic and frightening nightmares all my life. Often these nightmares caused phobias to develop. For example, I was a fantastic swimmer. I had many nightmares of the water and soon could not enter a body of water past my knees without fear. Swimming pools are ok, but to this day I cannot swim in a natural body of water such as a lake. This is one of many, many examples. I had many vivid dreams of the end of the world and so much more. Funny thing is I never watched a single horror movie until recently (I am in my mid-forties now). I always just get this sense of a haunted area or some kind of energy. I have seen many, many apparitions and had way too many unexplained situations than I can count. I could go on forever with examples.
One time in a jealous rage I even wished bad thoughts on someone and at that moment they had an accident at our work place. Their production dump truck caught on fire. As a young parent, I thought religion would be the answer I needed (we grew up without any). I searched but never found what I was looking for. Two years ago I started to think that maybe I was a witch all this time. I am still learning, but this might be my fit.
A few nights ago my heart broke. A family issue made me think some serious things. I was awake, but my eyes were closed as I sat on my bed in utter despair. I saw (with my eyes closed) my soul leaving my body. It was blue and had white too. I went on a long nightmare, though awake, of hell and heaven, I even got to see my brothers. They were colors. One was blue and one was green, but I knew it was them. I knew they were ok. This all took place in a short amount of time but was very detailed. I have been single for over 15 years. I often worry about never finding love or meeting my soul mate. In this recent episode that I mentioned, I got a glimpse of who it is. Sadly they are no longer alive, but it made me cry real tears of joy when I saw him. Maybe we will meet again.
I have been told by others in my tribe (I am Native American) that I have a spirit of a little girl following me. Seems like 9 out of 10 of the places I lived seemed haunted. When my grandfather passed away I was asleep during the day (midnight shifts) and woke to my name being called. Not too much later I was notified he passed around that same time I woke. I lost both of my brothers and only siblings to suicide. I have tried many times myself. Maybe I brought something back with me? I am better these days but just started using cannabis edibles for my chronic pain. Sometimes I wonder if this is something that can let you experience stuff or is it just nonsense trips. For example, I cannot recall most of the details of an incident that took place when I was 18. I might have been sexually assaulted. I keep trying to figure it out in therapy. Sometimes I am convinced that for some reason I made up the events after the blank spot and where the memory comes back. Maybe nothing happened. About 2 weeks ago on my medical cannabis, I saw the events that were blocked or lost. Is this possible? It was yellow and blurry but I heard myself screaming and seen some of it.
The house I live in now is haunted (I was told by the previous owner). I have seen my share of things and experience quite a few things here. This is my most active residence so far. One night I saw three black shadows at the foot of my bed. I think that was my first sleep paralysis though I can't be certain. I knew they wanted me to be afraid, but I wasn't. The middle one came closer and closer trying to get me to react. I didn't. Suddenly it popped and the tiniest, clearest, brightest looking angel fluttered off. Did I help aid in a crossover? I have so many experiences and so few answers. I tend to be goth and dark in nature, but I believe in balance and being a Gemini I believe that if I don't keep myself balanced I will be too light or too dark. I have always been a loner and into vampires before they were cool. I am certain I am an empath. What other labels (just a joke) can I attach to myself so I can figure out who I am and where my abilities lie?
Since I had a lot of areas to cover I kept it as short as I could. If anyone wants to ask or talk in detail about anything else I am willing to share more.
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Carl Jung described an experience like yours, of having a sort of spirit there with him. I heard it in an audiobook of Jung works. I haven't run into any other mentions of it since then, though Jung wrote volumes and volumes. But anyway, he describes whatever it is he's talking about similarly to the way you describe yours.
Getting back to the spirit I mentioned... I sense it in Thomas Troward too, who was a late 1800s/early 1900s Brit. And there were a few others.
It's a spiritual feeling I get when I read the writing of certain people. It has a strong effect on me. It really resonates with me, in an extramundane way.
I think World War 1 and the accompanying modernization of the world kind of squashed whatever was happening there in Europe, in the early 1900s. I mean, the spirit I was talking about. And I think it's starting to be revived now. I think a Psychology Professor by the name of Jordan Peterson has had a lot to do with it, with his mentions of Carl Jung.
Jung has a way of touching certain people. Again, I think in an extramundane way. In a way that really rings a bell and hits you at a soul-deep level.
It's hard to explain, but I would suggest you look into some Jung material, to see if it speaks to you. I suspect it will.
Then, as to the cannabis thing. Well, I live in Oregon where it's legal. And yeah, cannabis has gotten a bad rap with the stereotypes of stoners and potheads and what not. But I believe cannabis can have a very spiritual application. And you know, the idea of using mind-altering drugs for the purpose of spirituality has been around for thousands of years. I'd guess it might even be part of your culture, being Native American.
I don't have any issues with physical pain, but man am I wound tight! Cannabis helps me come down, and puts me in a very spiritual state. I used to do frivolous things when I'd get high, mostly just indulging myself with mindless entertainment. But anymore I philosophize, and I get things figured out. I go at it very seriously. I write essays, which is very therapeutic, and very enlightening for me.
And what's funny is that I see the number 420 all the time. I don't look at clocks all that often, but when I do, a good portion of the time they say 4:20. I wrote an essay and recorded with a text-reader, so I could put it on youtube. It wound up being 4 minutes and 20 seconds. And even more hilarious, here lately the number 4:20 is coming up in the lives of many anti-weed people I know. My Dad, who thinks weed is the Devil, told me that he's been waking up repeatedly at 4:20 in the morning. I live in a very rural, conservative area, and I went out to eat with a very conservative sort of "elder", and he talked a lot about something that happened on April 20th.
So anyway, I've seen this continual appearance of the number 4:20 as the Universe's way of endorsing cannabis use. And it's not hard to see why. It's impossible to OD on cannabis, unlike heroine, alcohol, and just about every other drug. It has many medicinal benefits, including pain relief, prevention of seizures, and so on...
Anyway, this is getting long so I'll leave you with that. Here's my email address, in case you or anyone else wants to chat further about this.
Whiskeydango at gmail.
Take care.