Not Knowing Who I Am

My name is Cassie, and ever since I can remember I have had "feelings" about people and things. When I come into contact with someone new I instantly get a feeling about them, almost like I can see right through them. I can tell if a person is true of heart, or a liar. I can tell if they have had a hard past, are lost, or are genuine. When I moved to college I met a girl there, and from the moment I met her I had a feeling that she was just like me. I know somehow that she was a great person and we would one day be best friends. I knew all this from just saying "hello". My feelings about her all became true. She is the closest friend I have ever had and I am more than grateful. The same goes for places, an example is my room at my house. I hate my room, and I have noticed that when I stay in it for a long period of time I become extremely depressed and scared. I hate sleeping in it and I often have a hard time feeling comfortable in it. When I stay in other parts of the house I feel completely fine though. This happens to me with many different places. I also get feelings about animals. Two examples are of my horse, and my dog. When I went to go and check out this horse to buy, others had told me that it was pathetic and a waste of money. I went to see her, and she was extremely rough, and my father kept telling me that she was not worth it after going there to see her with me. But, there was something. Deep down inside of myself I had this feeling like this horse was so much greater than what everyone else saw. So, I bought her despite the odds, and now she is one of the best horses I have ever owned. She is winning events all over the place and has won over $10,000 in the last few years. I have gotten many offers to buy her from the "friends" who told me before that she was worthless. Now about my dog. I went with my brother and mother to go see a range of Siberian husky pups. We saw many different types and my mother and brother fell in love with this little brown colored boy pup. But from the minute I saw "Mika", the oddly tiny and extremely shy pure white pup I had that feeling again. Everyone told me to ignore that one, even the owners who were trying to sell me a pup. She was a runt, and was so scared of everything she shook when I held her. But against all odds again I followed that feeling I had and got her instead of the other pups. Mika is now the best dog I could of ever asked for. Everyone loves her, and I just cannot explain how much of a great dog she has turned into.

Some background history on me. My cousin sexually abused and raped me for about 14 years of my life. When I was a child the kids at my private school thought I was weird, and I was always the one who got picked on. I had absolutely no friends. I was kicked and some even spit on me. My cousin was the only one who would play with me and make me feel wanted, so when he did stuff he always asked "Don't tell anyone, you wouldn't want me to get into trouble and stop being your friend, would you?" and of course I did not want that, so I stayed shut. I always knew that what he was doing was wrong, but I went along with it. Once I started growing up I tried avoiding him more, but at times it was not possible. I eventually completely forgot about what he did to me. My mind "erased" it from my memory. I went through a very dark time in my life then. I was diagnosed with severe mental depression, I cut, I tried to kill myself. I ended up in the hospital for about a month. While I was going through this phase I holed myself up in my room. When I was alone there all I wanted was to see the blood run. I was basically a different person. I then met Joshua. From the minute I met him I knew he would be the one to take my hand and save me from whatever had a hold of me. And he did. I completely stopped cutting, I looked at myself differently, he was even the first and only man I ever enjoyed sex with. Every other guy I tried, and still try, to get physical with I have panic attacks and I honestly hate it. With Josh it was like I could never get enough. He made me truly happy and in turn I was happy with myself. No one had ever done that for me before, not a therapist, not a friend, nor my family. Eventually Josh and I had to break up due to me moving to Wyoming for college. I hated it, but he would not let me give up my dream of going to that college and we where both wary of a long distance relationship. We didn't want to chance something going wrong. So I left, and I tried dating. I tried partying. I tried everything but? I can't find an interest in men anymore. If I see a cute guy I do get physically attracted to them but that is where it ends. Before Josh, I if I used to see a cute guy I got the stupid butterflies and I had a strong desire to be with them. Now? It's nothing. I dated someone for 3 months and throughout the whole thing it only felt like a 'friends with benefits' thing to me, while the guy was falling for me. I stated this long story because. I have a "feeling" about Josh. It is the same feeling I get with everything else, and that feeling is somewhere in the future Josh and I will be together again. It is so strong it bothers me. I can honestly say that I do not care to be with him right now. I would like to be his friend, but I am okay with not being with him. I am content with my life, but it if very frustrating not being able to feel things for guys anymore. And this feeling is not from my Love for Josh. I know the difference between my "Feelings" and the gut feeling of love. These are completely different. It's like my feelings are so deep into my core I cannot do anything but follow them. And they always come true. Basically I just want to know who I am. What is this? I am frustrated with not knowing, and I hope that you guys can help.