Confused

Where to start... I have always felt my whole life like I don't belong here. Out of place I guess and I cannot really explain why. I am old fashioned in many things and believe men and women are to get married and the whole white picket fence idea.

I married young. I was 20. Had my son with my husband the year before we got married. I remember when I was pregnant being asked what my child would look like. Many thought I was having a girl, even my husband. I said nope, it's a boy. I remember one night we were talking just my husband and I, and we were talking about what the baby would look like. I laughed and then told him we will have a little boy with a full head of dark hair almost black, with deep blue eyes that will turn brown. Eyes that look just like mine. The rest will look like him, right down to the smile. He will have 3 red marks on his face when he comes out but they will go away in a few days, they are just from delivery. I also told him that he will be early, the middle of January instead of the 27th as I was told by the doctors. I also said the baby will look mad and like we are bugging him until he gets comfortable and stuff. He laughed at me and said wishful thinking.

Well on January 19th, my son was born. With eyes just like mine; to this day he still has my eyes and they are now brown as dark as mine. The rest of him looks just like his father, right down to the smile. Even the haircuts are the same. His hospital picture makes everyone laugh because he looks really pissed off that someone is taking his photograph. In this photo you can see three little red marks on his face from where he had trouble coming out... All I said to his dad "see I told you" and his father was speechless.

We waited until our son was 18 months before we got married. My choice. I told my husband that I wanted to wait because I didn't want our son to think we got married just because of him. His father wanted to get married before he was born but I was totally against that idea. I recall saying to him that I don't want to get married while I was pregnant because if we split up in 2.5 to 3 years I didn't want my son to think it was his fault and we only got married because he came along. I might also mention I have known my husband since I was 9 years old. He said that was fine and if that was what I wanted we would wait. So we waited... And got married the following year after my son was born. 2 and half years after we got married, I left him. We are divorced now.

The following year after we got married, I lost a baby. I knew there was something wrong with it and the baby was dead the night before the doctors called with the results from my ultrasound. My sister told me in conversation the night before that I said something about the baby being dead. She didn't know what to say but the following morning the doctor called and I had to go to his office to find out my baby was dead. I was 12 weeks pregnant. Too small the baby was for me to have known it was gone.

Over the years I have dreams of people (I say dreams however sometimes I am wide awake) that I don't even know. It's almost like memories that are someone else's. I can look at people and know lots about them if I want and sometimes even when I don't want too. I have been right almost every time about if a person will have a boy or a girl baby. Heck I recall going for drinks with this one guy and seeing as clear as day him playing with two little blond girls in the grass as he spoke to me across the table. He is now with someone and is having his first child; A baby girl.

At one point I was dating this guy whom I liked for many years. After the first month or two, I clearly saw he was heavy into drinking and was not a good match for me. During the short time we dated I spelt at his place a few times and it was really weird because I had a really tough time sleeping there. In my mind I got this feeling that I was not suppose to be there. I recall a few times we would go to bed and I would lay there unable to sleep but then I would get out of bed when I knew he was sleeping and creep into the basement and curl up on the couch and fall fast asleep. In the morning he would come and wake me, clearly upset that I kept doing this. I didn't have an answer why I would do that but in my mind, I knew why. I didn't belong there. I started seeing him holding a baby. A little girl. She was wearing a little pink suit and had hardly any hair. I dismissed this as just silly thoughts as I say this sight as if I was watching a movie. The baby I knew was not mine.

I broke up with this guy after a very short time and now I find out that 3 months after we break up he is dating a girl we both know from school and she now pregnant. This was almost 2 years ago.

Their daughter will turn one this month. I have seen a picture of this kid once. It's a picture of him holding her over his shoulder, just as I had seen. She is cute, almost bald with a little pink sleeper on. I was lost for words. I still this of this man when I have no idea why cause I can't stand him.

Another person I don't even know I was talking on the phone with (internet dating - not a good idea...anyway) without even thinking I told this guy so much about what I could sense about him that it freaked him out. I even saw his ex in a pink pullover shirt... Actually this pink shirt was getting on my nerves and he said she had a pink one she wore all the time. I sensed drug use, cheating, lies, and drinking. We spoke once I never called him again.

My brother's girlfriend (whom I can't stand) is pregnant for the third time. I knew she was before she did. I also recalling telling my dad this time and the last time she was pregnant... What she will be pregnant within 6 months and this time I said within 4 and both times she was. I sense I will be old when I die. A lonely old woman.

My brother will pass before we are 50. I am older than him by 4 years. I can sit and see things from the past. Of me and people that I have no idea who they are. I see myself as a child but it's from times when I wasn't even born but I know it's me. A friend I have, I know was my sister before. I have seen her too. I see her a lot with me. There are many things I see with her and I many years ago. Some good some not so good.

I wonder why I am here, and so unhappy in this life and so alone. I have the worst luck in the world and wonder what is wrong with me. Do I watch to many movies? I say a psychic twice in my life and both times I knew these women were full of crap. Telling me just what I wanted to hear. Is all this just coincidences? My friend says it's not but if it's not what is it?

I feel like I am stuck here. I hate it here but really where am I supposed to be? Oh I am so confused. Why can I see these things and tell these things? It's easier to see now then a few years ago and I am better at tuning into things at times. It's kind of cool at times but also kind of not. Does anyone else have this? Can anyone tell me what this is? And what else I can or should be able to do? Any way I can see what my own future holds?