I've always been a tough person. Never cried, never showed emotion. Always kept to myself, hated big crowds. I've always been the shy quiet kid in the corner. Never liked doing anything that would receive attention.
When I was about seventeen I became incredibly sensitive. I cry very easily, I feel all these random emotions, I have no idea why they're there or where they come from. Around that same time the brother of one of my good friends committed suicide. I didn't know him yet at his vigil I couldn't help but feel extreme sorrow and pain. I cried like a baby. The days following I started to feel angry and depressed, I was having suicidal thoughts. It scared me so much I talked to a counselor and they had called a support group to take me to a hospital to get some help.
Sometimes I can't even tell what I'm feeling. It's so overwhelming that I start to feel panic and severe anxiety. Crowds give me panic attacks sometimes and can make me feel dizzy and sick.
As I started traveling a bit more I rediscovered my love for nature that I had forgotten about long ago. It was different this time. When I'm out there I feel so peaceful and euphoric. I developed this fascination for everything. Questioning everything. Almost like I could feel everything I was in awe about. Like a connection, I'm not sure how to explain.
Some days are better than others, but recently I've been feeling claustrophobic, nauseous, sad, anxious, like I'm going into a depression. Why? I have no idea. As far as I know I have no reason to feel that way. I feel crazy and I don't know what to do. I have no idea what's going on with me. I really need some guidance, a mentor or something. I have read that there could be some kind of physic answer for the way I've been feeling. This is my last attempt to get some answers. I just want to know who I am.
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People are not going to understand what you need unless you say it. You have to think very carefully, on your own, first. Think about a situation that happened and then ask;
* What could I have done beforehand to stop the issue from escalating and becoming out of control? Or stop the event from unfolding the way it did?
* What is my role in what happened?
* What is the other persons role? What could they have done better to change the situation?
* If I am being honest, and let's say, I should have paid more attention to how the person felt, what could I have done differently at the time to feel better?
* Was there somewhere that I could have gone to and relaxed for 5 minutes?
* Was there someone I could have phoned or someone there who could have made it a little bit easier?
* Next time, I will pay more attention to the situation, and I will CHOOSE very carefully HOW to interact with the person/people.
You have to be happy and positive in your own heart. One thing that you can do is write a list of very basic want/s:
1. I am a strong person.
2. I am in control of my emotions.
3. I am a thoughtful person.
4. I see things clearly and I understand situations clearly.
5. I understand peoples feelings and I am not afraid.
6. I listen to people.
7. I am calm. I am able to breathe and feel well.
8. I am able to be in a crowd of people and stay calm, think clearly and breathe properly.
9. I am safe in a crowd of people.
10. I will achieve well in my career.
11. I am able to show the best sides of myself.
12. I am an honest person.
Say each of these things, or the things you want to write down, every morning to yourself in the mirror. Make 20 phrases. If you are stressed on the way somewhere, to work or school, say a phrase from the morning to yourself ie. "I am calm. I am able to breathe and feel well." Or, if you are in a crowd and you feel anxiety, say calmly again and again, "I am able to be in a crowd of people and stay calm, think clearly and breathe properly.
I am safe in a crowd of people."
Eventually, it may take a month or a year, but, it will work. You will see a change in the way you feel and the way others feel. You will also begin to understand where the anxiety is coming from.
Also, if you can make sure to do the most basic things in the right way or healthy way, it will work wonders for you:
Eating:
Eat healthy. Don't allow yourself to get too hungry because it makes a person emotional. Eating healthy doesn't mean only beans! Have an ice-cream or chocolate every now and again, just not too much.
Sleeping:
Get a goods night sleep. If you can't sleep, try lying very still and breathing deeply, just so your body gets some rest, at least. If you can't sleep, read a book or draw. Also, make sure that you do enough exercise so that you do sleep at night - some people don't need any exercise in their day, but, others at least need to stretch every now and again.
Emotional:
Find a person that you trust. Find some one who will be happy to help you any time, whether it's day or night. Do something with a few friends at least every 2 or 3 weeks, just a lunch or something small for 20 minutes, then 30 minutes, until you can stay longer around bigger crowds.
Physical:
Physical doesn't mean just your body, it also means your surroundings. Decorate your room in a way that you feel most comfortable.
And, every now and again, enjoy a bath with a new aroma that you like. Or, do something that you really enjoy, a hobbie maybe? Painting, drawing, reading or designing!