My Story, but I also have a problem for this first entry, I guess I am going to use this as mostly a journal because I can't seem to get things off my mind with it all and well this seems like the only place that people are not calling each other crazy or nut jobs, I have bin called that before then I simply stopped telling people the truth when they asked why I was so "different" all I say back now is, it is the way I was born, they seems to do the trick to make people leave me be. But I guess ti get to the point, my problem.
Well I have for a good half a year now bin tormented by a dream, it is a horrific dream that will not go away and there is only 2 things that have changed with it over the half a year of having it, one figure and what the main figures words are. It all started out simple, bad and scarey but simple. I was in a dark room, black but there was a faded gray light around me so I could make out the rusted old chair I seemed to be glued to, can't move, can't talk and it is hard to breath, it almost felt like there was a wait on my chest like when someone larger then you sits on you for fun. I look around, nothing there, I look again, still nothing, but I feel something, something watching and looking at me and I look back a head of me and there she is, back turned to me, black or dark can't really tell hair falling down her back to just over that swell in her lower back, a ripped old dirty dress over her body and well you know the idea horror movie woman. She did not move a inch and I start to get more worried as she just stands there and it is like forever I just look at her, looking at all her holes and bends and that hair and her back and her thin little legs like sticks. I struggle in the chair but I still can't move and I look around agein... The room still black but I see them now, there faces, there eyes, all there eyes and all the people, no one I know but there is everyone seeming to be there, mothers, fathers, children, workers with hard hats and other work gear on, a baby sitter and a stroller, gran parents and older people, every face I could think of was there, looking at me and as I watched them all around me there eyes burned into me like fire and bullets I am hot, so very hot siting there attached to that chair. As I watch them seeming to be unable to rip my eyes from them I see there hands, white with black fingers they all have black fingers, dirty fingers or well covered in something that is dripping and falling from them it almost looks like tar but only on there finger tips, like if you took your fingers and dipped them into black paint and then held them up to grab at a person. I try to move more, at this point I am terrified and have no idea what to do so I look back in front of me. She moved but her back is still to me, she was at first a good 15 to 20 feet from me but now she is no more then 8 or 10 but there are no foot steps for her backing up it was like she just randomly jumped back 10 to 15 feet. I looked at her and she still did not move a thing just stood there, back to me and hair there not even swaying, still utter stillness and I started to pull from the chair harder then before wanting to run to scream but I could not do anything. Then the sounds started, the moaning, groaning, ripping, crying and voices, I can't make out what they are saying but I know it is something, some of there voices are far from English but some are English and well they are all kind of children to adult. I want to cover my ears but I can't lift my hands, struggling and thrashing each way looking around the sound gets louder and louder and I can't handle it and one one of thrashes I stop looking dead in front of me. There she is standing there facing me, her hands to her sides and my body goes cold, dead cold, it is like everything, happiness, sadness, anger, joy, like everything a person feels is now gone, and all I know is I am scared, scared out of my mind of what is going to happen to me, I feel death I really do when she looks at me and the worst part of it all, she has my eyes.
Side note: I was born with amazing gray eyes, over the years they changed to have some green in them and even a tad bit of blue flowing in them, so they are hard to miss and I have never seen anyone with my eyes, it is like they are a green and gray swamp that eats everything that looks in them, I have even bin told they look creepy if I have them in the right light, and on dark nights and when the light is just right they glow like a cat, but I will better explain that later in this story.
But she was looking into my eyes with my own eyes, it hits me, is she me? No I don't have black hair or that face I don't have a long face or how her body is or even her hair, my hair is light brown not dark or black, so why does she have my eyes? To be truthful I am in no mood to find out why, I just want out of that chair. She brings her hands up and they grab my arms hard picking me up out of the chair I was stuck in and she holds me up standing, I am only 4 foot 11 in the real world and the same in the dream so I was picked off the ground a good couple inches. She looked at me and I was drained of everything I had, energy, and all feelings just like before, but they did not feel gone, just nulled, like they simply faded into the darkness to come out later, it was like my feelings are hiding because they don't want to be sucked out or something, I am just so cold in her grip, I am lifeless. She brings her face close to my lips and for a moment I think she is going to kiss me, but no she moved and went to my ear and whispered "you are never alone" it is all she tells me then tosses me back into the hands and the faces and the black. I am kicking and screaming and yelling as loud as I can but it makes no difference I get pulled under and I can feel the wet of the black pulling me down there hands ripping my clothing off and chilling me to the bone, I feel the black wetness in my mouth and I can no longer breath. At that point I wake up screaming, thrashing, and crying, soaked in a cold sweat and tears in my eyes.
So now I say what changed from that first dream half a year ago when they started back just before July. Well nothing, other then her words and half way into the dream now this past month a man shows up and he just stands there watching, not grabbing or saying a word just watching me, watching my torment with a stupid grin on his face, he walks out of the black and his fade is fogged but hos body is dressed like a every day high school kid, but why he is there I have no idea. Now the last about 3 months I have bin trying to figure this out, this is not the first place I have posted on, and to be truth I hope it is the last but inside I don't have high hopes seems to be everything I do does not change it, just changes what she tells me, it started with "you are never alone" then it changed to "i will never leave you" and now that I have bin trying to figure this out it is now "you have it all wrong"
Now for my religion backing I am a full fledged druid and study and do all the practices and meditation and all that fun stuff and from what looks like all my man tells me I have a woman called Morrigan haunting me but for some reason when we thought that, that is when the words changed to "you have it all wrong" so that makes me think like oh maybe I have it wrong, as well as the fact she is a goddess and is to be peaceful and friendly, clearly the dream woman is far from that. So it placed us back to step one with trying to figure this out.
Now for another blip of info for it all, I have a spirt in my body, she is a part of me and I work well with her and she works well with me, it is like if you have ever seen the movie Host you would understand. Having 2 beings in one body she comes out sometimes and talks and walks and has her likes and dislikes and I have the body sometimes and I come out and have all of mine and all the time we talk to each other with voice or simply in my own head, hence the being called crazy part at the top of this article, now you know why. Her name is Luna, I know her real name for she has told me it is not but it is the name I gave her for what she is has a dear love for the moon. Now I did say "what she is" so let me explain a little. She is known as a Timber Dale Fox, it is also known as a Fox demon and has a couple other names in other cultures, Japan: Kitsune, Korea: Kimiho, China: Huli-Jing "or something really smiler in spelling", India: "I know this one but have yet to find its name" and their are others in other countries and some variations on other continents. Often mistaken for Were-foxes. But note they are far from the same, the "Were-Fox" is a myth ripped from the "Were-Wolf" not the same it is more along the were wolf just it turns into a fox that well you guessed it eats people, is a giant scarey bed time story. Bit to get back on track here. So Luna as I call her is a Fox, she is everything a fox would be, ears, tail, black fur and well everything just lives in my body, and from time to time I even get the wonder of waking up in the morning half a sleep to go to the bathroom and walk in to see in the mirror a giant 5 foot tall tailed fox woman looking at me, have to say it is a great way to wake up, scares the crap out me me some mornings. But with her inside of me I guess it just turned into every day life to have her here, hear her voice, have her talk to me when I am alone, and even tell me it will all be ok when things are not so ok, to be truthful I would be kind of lost without her. But she has her flaws to, like a big one, I can see the dead, very clearly, both my friend from grade 6 who has known me my whole life and seem me see dead people as he calls it, and my lover have both seen me see them and talk to them first hand, well for my friend it scared the crap out of him and well for my lover well he took it better then my friend and had grown to deal with it and love me all the same lol with the past of seeing the dead and having a fox demon inside of me I was given the job to "help the dead find the light" I did my job, helped them find there doors, but there was one that stood out over top of all of the others.
He was a boy I lied to, I did wrong but in the end I did my job, I got him to his door, but it was not the light side one and he did not want to go into it, so I lied to him, I told him it would be alright and that the door was to the light side and that it was ok, he told me to tell his family he loved them and he was happy in the light. But once he got up to the gray tinged door it opened a little and he was pulled into darkness screaming and kicking and I saw the whole thing, I new it was the dark door from seeing it at the get go, I can always see the fount of the doors just can never seen inside, only the doors the light one is white, dark one is light with gray in it and the handle is a little crappy. He said something when he was screaming I have no idea even to this day what it was but it was in a scream so I am guessing it is far from good. It has bin 2 years since I helped a dead find there way to the other side, and to be truthful I don't want to start it up again, the whole "get them to there door anyway you can" outlook on it all is something I can't handle, you think dieing would be enough for a person you don't want to lie to them about peace when really they are going to only darkness and who knows what. So it brings up another question in my mind, is the dream to do with that? Is it for the fact I lied to him and hurt him to the point he came back out of the darkness to haunt and torment me? Would be be a demon then? Can he go away? Is it because I never told his family about his loving them and being happy, even if I know very well he is far from happy in what ever place he is in? There are so many things I can't simply get off my mind, maby it is why I have typed so much in this, I guess there is just a lot to cover, I just want it all to end to be truthful, I have not had a single night of peaceful sleep since this started, I have gray bags under my eyes all the time, hell I am typing this at 6 am Saturday morning and I have not gone to bed yet and really I don't want to, sleep has scared me for a long time and it it has even bin on my mind to hinder my relationship, I am moody, overly grumpy, on edge and sometimes I even see her and that creepy boy in a day time place like the super market, or a mall or even when I am on a drive with my man and I see a car window or home window I see there faces. I don't tell him this because I don't want to worry him but in my mind I know he knows that something is wrong with me that this is a problem and is driving me up the wall. I need to figure this out or do something to stop it, I have tried everything, spells, magical practice, rituals, getting Luna to try to help me, getting other people to try to help me that are open to talk about this kind of thing, and doing the hole "you control your dreams" thing does not work at all, this one I have no control over that much is very clear.
So I ask you, can you help me? Can this be fixed? And do you anyone have anything to add to why this is going on and what may be causing it, it needs to stop and I am on my last leg here and nerve I don't know how much more sleep I can lose without it having more drastic affects on my health and well being, I have not bin losing wait as I love to eat but I know that will come in time to. But I will be posting on here to keep myself a record of the dreams and the days events, call it a internet diary that I want the world to read, read and help because I can't do it alone anymore I need people and I need help. So if you can post something, or I even have an email is you want to talk to me, I will post it up or send it to you somehow so you can get in touch. Thank you all for reading my story I will be sure to post in the next couple nights.
~Anaya
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