Understanding Personal Power

I think that I was around two years old when I became aware of my personal power. What I mean by power is that, I had this innate understanding of my energy and I would entertain myself by choosing to outwit any and all parental and social restraints that were put on me. My parents were forced to tie me to me to my crib. Well, I figured that one out rather quickly. One evening during one of the biggest snow storms to hit NYC and it was about midnight. So, with little effort, I untied my bonds and proceeded to climb down a huge staircase and somehow I opened the front door which was solid oak. By the way this was in the east village, 1960s. In my feetsy pajamas I crawled down the snow covered cement stairs and started to walk down the street. I remember it was just beautiful. 2 years old. Can you imagine. Coincidentally hmmmmm. My mother and father were on they're way home. In absolute horror, they see me waddling towards them wide eyed, smiling. My mother still talks about and to this day they cannot figure out how I got out.

The point of the story is that from that moment, I knew that nothing could ever restrain me because through my imaginative mind and the belief in the power of my imagination- I could do anything.

As I grew up, I also began to realize that I had the ability to affect people. I was a very observant child, watching people. All the time. Never immersing myself fully, yet I was able to appear socially integrating. Still watching. This ability to affect people was a little bothersome, as I didn't like the responsibility. No matter what I did or who I was with- it would just happen. Ugggh. I began to understand that there were consequences if I gave someone advice, as it would dramatically change the course of their lives. I began to study religion, quantum physics, anything metaphysical. I avoided advice and shielded myself from becoming too close to people. Most friends weren't aware of this because I was such a master of disguise.

Some of my lifetime friends tell me that I had this remarkable energy. When I would walk into a room, people would immediately respond. Either they were afraid or they would approach me. Believe me, I never abused this in fact, I would try and make myself small. To no avail.

One day I discovered opium, finally, I found something that was capable of cocooning my energy. Now I was able to be alone, affecting no one. In complete oblivion. This wonderful form of escapism only lasted about five years- suicide is not my thing. Alas, I had to radically change my life. I had children, a responsibility that I was compelled to accept. I love my children so much that I had to live in order for them to survive - it is my responsibility to guide them, period. Okay, I accept.

Interestingly during the opiate days- I had a very strong connection to the spirit. Quite often, I would leave my body only to quickly realize that I better get back quick. Sometimes, it was incredibly powerful and kind of scary. I would have intensely lucid dreams about places beyond here. It was really fascinating- I can't begin to describe all the neat stuff I got to see. Nonetheless, I could not live on opiates as they were destroying my body and conscious mind.

I spent a year in prison. It didn't phase me - I knew that if I really wanted to leave, I could. I figured that is old be released, so I made it interesting. Interestingly, being one of the few Caucasian women in this Midwest prison (where racism was violent and rampant) I was not a target and oddly, given a wide berth of respect. In retrospect, I have to say it was unusual.

When I moved to the northeast, everything changed. I inadvertently discovered a very traditional martial arts school. Being that I have always been rather militant and righteous- it was what I needed. Still aware of my personal power, it's affects. How I still could draw people into my life-I immersed myself into my martial practice. Understanding the connection of mind body and spirit. It was this disciplined and harsh training that led me to a deeper understanding of personal power. I developed this ability to foresee certain outcomes, without question. I began to have incredible lucid dreams, I knew ahead that I would run into certain people, I always knew who was calling me on the phone. I started to have past life dream recall. I used my strengths only for other people.

It all came abruptly to a halt when I experienced a tragic loss. This was the darkest hour of my life and it lasted 7 years. I lost six people in my life, one right after another. It truly traumatized me. However, I still had my ability to intuit with the other worlds and energies around me. At this point, I could just do it at will. Close my eyes and I was there. I was able to see my loved ones and feel them around me. I stopped training and basically ignored myself. The only thing that I was interested in was in being able to escape into the other worlds.

I read others posts on shadow people. I don't really understand these beings. They are not one of us. That is for sure. They are not angelic either. They are something else. My experience with these energies are few but, I have had them. At the end of my 7 year dark period, I had a very odd experience. One night I woke up and saw someone crouched at the end of my bed. I sat up. Very angry, I might add. I immediately asked. " who the hell are you?" it appeared to be a male, however, he silently jumped up and looked at me in surprise. I saw every detail of his form except his face, which was a black shadow. I could see him because the light was on in the living room. His face was empty. It was disconcerting to say the least. It was very clear by his body language that he was startled. Again and angrily, I demanded to know who he was. All I could think of was that this thing had the audacity to come into my bedroom and watch me. Ugggh, how dare him. I sensed fear as he wafted out of the room. I didn't hear a single sound. My dog who was laying next to me did not growl but watched him, raised ears, focused, she didn't move and I thought how odd. The very next day, I proceeded to ban this entity from my house using sage and rosemary and energy. I don't mind these beings, I just don't appreciate them watching me while I am vulnerable and asleep.

Since coming out of this 7 year nightmare, it appears that I have been unable to connect to other worlds. I can still sense and fell energies but for some reason, I feel incredibly disconnected, it's very strange. Although, I can still generate qi into my hands, I can project thoughts. There is still a huge wall that is preventing me from seeing. I am very tired and Yet I sense this unknown danger lurking everywhere. I don't know what it is but, it is real and it's frightening. Let me clarify that it has nothing to do with the metaphysical shadows. This is a tangible and twisted threat. My instinct is telling me to heal and heal fast. If I don't, then it will all be in vain.

I am curious, can anyone identify with my experiences?