There was a period in 2013-2015 that I experienced a near death experience. I had a right atrial blood clot, was septic, and had endocarditis. This was all undiagnosed until 2015. I was going through a hard period of time. I had been through a divorce. Health struggles. Homelessness, loss of career due to health, domestic violence. I woke up feeling intoxicated like I was drunk. This lasted for years. I was the closest thing I could imagine to the concept of "hell." Slowly losing my body and mind being in a constant state of paranoia. I had these phenomena I thought to be induced by sickness. And chaulked it to "not real". These things that occurred are difficult to explain. However I will do my best. It was almost as if a set of very identifiable lessons had been placed before me at every turn. When I say identifiable I mean because of the similarities or synchronicities of some experience I had gone through. It was like something or someone was trying to talk to me by bringing certain people and circumstances into my existence ABRUPTLY. It terrified me because I couldn't explain it. It felt like torture. Like judgement. I started looking to anything and everything to find some mental solid ground. It felt like the universe was directly showing me judgement by placing before me what I had done unknowingly of the consequences to others almost be me having someone unrelated do the same thing back to me. During this period almost every belief I had was flipped to its opposite. I had a 180degree personality change. It wasn't until I found out that I was not supposed to live through this that by the drs and about a year of treatment grieving and surviving a 98% mortality rate by a brand new drug. I started to understand the whys. They were subtle whys that I just knew the answer to without question. And this will sound bizarre: the answer was all of the above: I was sick, that affected my mind, that poisoned my spirituality. And what became incredibly apparent is my whole life I strived for perfection and others approval and I never learned about authentic Ashley. And although I had hurt some people, and everything I ever new came crashing to the ground. There was definitely intervention. Very strong energies that I can feel. That communicate in bizarre ways. I realized I was going the wrong way. I had lost myself. After this experience happened and I have worked long and hard on physical, mental, and spiritual me, I have noticed that I feel physical vibrations, auras, things just pop into my head that come to being (people, songs, events). The synchronicities still happen but I have stopped fearing them and they aren't as abrupt And today I chose to remain obedient to the lessons I learned from those, only because making it to the other side of this is a feeling that is a blessing beyond anything I've ever experienced. Letting go was excruciating. Maybe it was just a mental meltdown and my own guilt. Whatever it was it saved my life. And today I try to invite those strange coincidences. And I no longer feel compelled to believe I'm told I should believe. Or to be someone else because somebody wants that of me.
Comment if you would like. I just felt compelled to share this tonight. Thanks and goodnight
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Consciously dying.