I guess what I am trying to get our of this story is a sort of analysis of what has been happening since I was a kid. Nothing is extremely apparent as if I'm seeing things or hearing them, but it's still there. To understand completely I want to give a slightly detailed backstory. So here it goes. I am fifteen today, my parents are divorced and I live with my mother in the U.S. Even though I was born and raised in France. I had no problem adapting language and culture wise, my mom is American and we visited my grandparents there every summer. The change was quite sudden although I am used to traveling having traveled to at least 6 different countries before I was ten, just not settling down. I don't have any problem with my parents being divorced, my father was off traveling for work half the time they weren't, so my mother filled his part being a sort of super mom as you will, so even though I spend a lot of vacation time at my fathers, I don't have that great of a link with him. Nor am I the only child, I'm not the first, not the last, not the youngest or the oldest, I'm smack right in the middle of the five children my father had. I don't despise him, but let's just say I don't want to repeat what he did, five kids and four moms, not a treat for the kids trust me.
Ever since I moved to the U.S. I've felt somehow alone, like I never fit in a group. Not completely fit in, but kind of like the wolf who is neither alone or in the pack, just on the outskirts rarely getting in. The only person I never felt that way around was my best friend. I've known him since we were three years old, from one of my trips to my grandparents. And with him we were the center of the group, but on my own I was as always that special wolf neither in or out. Two years ago he was the one that moved, he moved to Montana, quite far from where we were in the south and I kept that feeling of being accepted in a group just a while longer but it didn't last. And then last year I moved again, leaving the few friends I have to come to Louisiana. I was completely against the idea, just starting to get close to a girl I liked, but I was used to just leaving things behind. Even when I still lived there I think I could partially see I had no chance anyway:P.
Once we moved to Louisiana and the school year started I thought this wouldn't be so bad. I still didn't exactly feel a connection or any acceptance of any group, although it might have been there I didn't feel it. I was mostly inclined to hang out with the teens that were two years ahead of me. I made friends that were my age too but that feeling still remained of being left out. I went out with a girl, realized we had nothing in common and she was rude so it didn't last long. Then I started going out with a different girl that I found out had so much in common with me. I know this is not a life story website so no more details about that except that it's been six months and were still together. Now I am on vacation at my dad's in France and this summer seems to be the high point of weirdness of my life so far.
Now for the good stuff. When I was younger (anything younger than 15 my current age) I used to see things in my dreams. Not visions or anything but just a quick image and with it came a feeling and emotion. When I woke up I didn't exactly remember them or care for them, until they happened. I was myself standing at a balcony looking at a sunset grizzled with clouds and I felt refreshed and was annoyed at something else, then a couple months later this exact scene and sensation happens when I'm on vacation at my dad's (not now but a couple years back). That wasn't the first time but it was the most memorable, this gave me a lot of feelings of deja vu. Although these "visions" so to speak haven't happened in a while or less frequently, I've noticed other things. At around the age of eight I developed a theory that my best friend and I had some sort of connection, like our emotions and some thoughts were intertwined. We know each other extremely well, not to the point of guessing exactly what the other is thinking but even though we don't see each other every day, we text each other every day. And in the past week I've come to confirm my theory.
Yesterday toward the end of the day (around 8pm) I started feeling odd. Feeling sad and lost but I didn't know why. An emotion so strong and I didn't even know where it came from. I felt so lost, like I didn't even know who I was. For a more detailed story I wrote on my blog here is the link http://3xt3rminat3.tumblr.com/post/28013043447/the-midnight-swim. But at the same time I went upstairs to my room and started crying my best friend texts me that he is thinking of running away. Not really intertwined with my feelings but it gets better. I didn't have internet up there so I keep crying not noticing the text. I start trying to call out to Rachel (my second best friend's deceased mom not mentioned). She was like a second mother to me and always comforted me when my mom wasn't there to do so. I started crying and pleading over a necklace I had that was hers for her to guide me and help. I don't know why I started crying or why I kept on doing it I just was crying for her to help me. Later after I stopped I went back down and saw his text and freaked out. He texted back saying it was just a temporary feeling he had, but he had gotten into a pretty big fight with his parents that evening, them saying he was good for nothing and other things that weren't so parent like. But I believe that that was the thing that set off my feeling of being lost, he was on the other side of the world in Montana and this happened. Later when we skyped and discussed this, he said something similar had happened to him. When I was with my girlfriend about a month earlier, we got quite close and being half masochistic as we are, started scratching me (please don't laugh or embarrass me on the subject it's hard enough to say this for this story's sake). I took some pictures proudly of my back full of scratch marks and showed them to my best friend (we don't really keep secrets from each other). And today he referred to that day and said that that day he felt abnormally awkward on that day for no reason. My theory goes on with that and I think it was almost the awkward he would have felt if he were there with us. That's all for that part but this summer odd things have been happening to me. Or just one but multiple times.
When I'm using my portable computer (a macbook pro specified for the material of the computer) and started moving my hands over it for a while when it's on, I feel this kind of humming sensation, almost like when rubbing rubber but just not as resistant. And again it happened to me with the fridge, which seems to be made of the same material. When I had a friend over and was on the computer and we accidentally touched each other like my arm to his or to his back, we felt a small pinch or shock. It never happened when we tried but it always happened randomly to the point where he got annoyed and just sat on the other couch. I'm not sure if this is just a play of static electricity or anything else, but if the later choice then this is the place to say it.
Here is my story, please comment and help me make sense out of all of this.
~Paleas~
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