Ever since I was small, I've been plagued with this sense of others. I could tell what they were feeling. After a while I'd stopped getting much from family as I was so used to having them around. Often I'd get flashes of something happening in advance - like an earthquake we had when I was 5.
I remember knowing that my grandmother had died instants before the phone rang. She was cancerous and I wasn't allowed to see her, but in my mind I could just see her in her bed with unfocussed eyes, and I asked my mother if she wanted to be alone. She said, "yes, she was telling us to go away."
That next night, coming home from my grandmother's where the family had gathered, I knew just moments before I turned out of the kitchen into the hallway that I would see her - and there she was. Naturally I screamed my head off and ran to my room. She had the most astonished look on her face and was holding a coffee cup. I was the only one besides my aunt to see her and nobody doubted me for a second.
When we moved into my last house, I knew the year it was built (1934), that it was part of a farm, and the Sears model of it before we even looked it up. But the strange comes for this house. When I moved in I knew that it was previously owned by a dead man whose wife was gone two years earlier. He was depressed. I could see him sitting at a round table in the kitchen, looking at the clock, with a mug. The 1st night there I had to sleep on the couch, and the rocking chair was across from me. I distinctly heard a woman in slippers shuffle past me and sit down in the rocking chair, and I could see it moving with a person in it. This time my parents thought I was delirious, as I'm very sensitive to change. When I moved out of my childhood home at age thirteen, I frequently had dreams of walking up to the house and going upstairs to my room where my porcelain dolls and two shelves were. The rest of the house was empty. I was quite connected to that place and longed for it dearly. I knew that the basement was going to be sealed off and rented out to another family - and two years later an ad on Craigslist for the same home, just the upper floor.
I've been depressed for a very long time due to circumstances I failed to stop with an ex, and my parent's emerging mental abuse that I came to recognize with their insults and shoving me aside in favour of my brother. I left my "at risk teens" school after a horrible feeling that if I stayed, I would be knifed - when hours after that vision, a kid I used to hang out with told me about how a guy new to the centre had a switchblade and was going to try to corner me near his truck. It was a centre for suicidal, violent, pregnant and difficult teens, and that year, just as I had predicted, it would be crowded as the school for teens that were on drugs or involved with gangs dumped their lower-risk kids on our tiny facility.
I've had other little flashes too that have all come to happen - zipping up my bag before the bell in my old secondary school and looking up at the clock (2:37, the time we got out), just seeing a movie trailer on TV, walking down the hall at school, just little mundane tasks like that - or not so mundane. I have two that I'm meditating on right now, and I just want to know how to refine this sense as I have this imminent feeling of grave danger. Being up at night is hard because out of the corner of my left eye, I can see someone standing there and I believe it to be the woman who lived here before. This was her sewing room and I'm in her spot. There's a mirror on the back of my door too which doesn't help things. She means no harm - I don't think. They had a single son, an adult, who slept in my parent's room, and they had my brother's smaller room. My mother insists it had to be the other way around, but I just know. That and she chain smoked, but he quit after she died - which we did find out. I'm not really bothered by this except that it does startle me from time to time. I don't want to see her there.
As for the emotions, I don't want to stop them. I love being able to "know" people more and embrace that. People just say I'm manipulative, but I have this tendency to turn everybody to my way of thinking or doing just even through a short conversation. The visions are what bother me.
The two visions are:
This one is more recent, about six months old. It's of me sitting in the driver's seat of a car, but the steering wheel is where the passenger's seat should be (so I'm not driving), I'm holding onto the hood of this little car (the windows open and I'm leaning back) in the sun with my girlfriend driving and boxes in the back of the car. I know for a fact that her relatives are going to buy her a car when she graduates. It looks to me (being very good with cars) to be a Volkswagen Golf in dark green. I can taste cigarette smoke (she used to smoke starting as a tween but stopped after entering secondary school) in the air, and the wind's blowing past my face. I can see twin mountains in the distance. I also know that her mother's promised to fly us out to a country of my girlfriend's choice. We've known each other for a long time (since we were eleven) and we're blasting Nirvana's Drain You - just the starting notes. The sun's glaring off of the hood of the car and she's looking sideways out of the window, like we're on a highway of sorts going somewhere. This has been very vivid. I know that I'm going to be leaving to live with her when I turn eighteen (I cannot stand my household and it's borderline abusive - I'm not even a bad kid) so this one only mildly bothers me. I get a Switzerland vibe off of it. We're driving on the right side of the road in the inner lane, going fast.
The other one bothers me. I've had it for a long time - I've always just had this feeling that we're going to get broken into. I didn't know it at the time but I was picturing the entrance to my hallway and a man with shaggy red-blond hair, thin, holding a sizeable gun and looking off to the front door down the steps, and I'm standing directly in front of him. I don't have a feeling of death, just danger and fear. I don't recognize this man.
I would love to hear your ideas on these. I just feel so alone in all of this, like a freak. I can rarely go out without getting a sensory overload from all of the people I encounter, and these visions (are they just imaginary?) are eating at me.
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