Most of my life I have been fighting who I am, you can say it hasn't been easy being me. My experiences started when I was very young. When I was younger than nine I told my mother that something was wrong with my sister she blew it off as me being funny about an hour later a woman came to our house to tell my mother that my sister had been thrown from her horse and was on her way to the hospital with broken ribs. My sister was 8 years older than me. The next experience I can remember changed my life forever! I was 10 years old and furious that my sister was coming home to stay the night which meant I had to sleep on my little brother's floor yet again, I started screaming at my mother for being unfair she should have to sleep on the couch or something but my mother wouldn't have it she told me to grow up and get over it. I fell asleep crying repeating to myself over and over how much I hated my sister until I finally screamed it to the top of my lungs, I eventually fell asleep. While asleep I remember driving what looked to be my sister car and it ran off the road. As it started to flip I was standing in the middle of the highway looking at a body lying in the road, I watched this motionless body for what seemed to be hours when I was awakened by someone banging at our front door of our home the bedroom door was open so I listened to my sister's best friend tell my mother she needed to come quick my sister had been in an accident. The next morning my mom told me my sister died in a wreck no one told me how (though I asked many times) until years later she had ran off the road and overcorrected her car started to flip and she was thrown from the car dying in the middle of the road. I have never EVER told anyone this until today.
That was when I started trying to ignore feelings when I got them unless someone made me angry questioning when I knew something. I was a sophomore in high school the next time I remember knowing something I had a dear friend that loved playing football and I would tell him he needed to think of a backup plan incase football didn't go through for him with college. He got impatient with me and asked my why would I say something like that, I try to make it seem like I was just trying to give friendly advice in case he got hurt of something he got upset with me and said I was just trying to scare him into not playing football anymore the thought of me being mean upset me for some reason and I told him well you won't be playing football when you hurt your knee a year into it. He laughed at me, "Why would you think that, if you're so good what knee?" I answered his right knee that when he didn't' talk to me for days after that. Sure enough his freshman year he called me to tell me he has torn a bunch of muscles in his right leg and would no longer be able to play football. You could say he was very upset with me for a long time saying I put bad mojo on him or something along those lines until one day he understood I would never do something like that and he had to have been a coincidence. The next one I remember I was sitting watching TV and all of a sudden got a worried feeling about a friend of mine I called them up quickly and asked how they were they kept asking me why finally I caved and told them I had a worried feeling about them and he got anger and yelled at me and hung up on me. I was at a party a few days later when I saw this friend again and he walked right up to me and said I just totaled my truck, that's all he would say to me for a while. Those were the experiences that stand out above to me of course much more happened besides these things.
Scaring the crap out of my mom a few times singing a song out loud when she would turn on the radio that is what would be playing. She started calling them my little vibes though she doesn't believe in things like that she would always trust when I got a vibe about something she would go with what I said. I tried ignoring things for a while I started drinking real heavily trying to make it all go away it started scaring me how much stronger I was getting more I could see, tell, hear, I had just became a young mother another experience I knew was coming. I started being a bad person drinking a lot staying out trying not to dream because whatever I ignored during the day would scream at me in my dreams this only went on for a couple years, I stopped drinking but the feelings and such were still gone. But then it all came crashing back at me stronger than ever. I can tell someone is about to walk into my house or other places an already can tell you what mood they are in, people can't lie to me at all I can read it very quickly, I pick up my phone before it starts to even ring, also I hear this almost voice sometimes but it's more of a feeling than a person, I recently drove my stepdaughter to Dallas for an event when we walked up to the railing on the second for I heard something like it was telling me to stay right there though we had a long time until the event I stood there about 30 minutes later a woman came up to us asking us question about the event I told her we didn't know we were from Florida she giggled and asked if we had driven all that way for that event I responded yes. Another 30 minutes went by and a woman came to stand on the other side of the lady until she called me asking if I drove from Florida when I told her yes she said she had something for my stepdaughter she gave her an extra bracelet letting her meet the movie stars we were there to watch. The little feeling I had had felt almost giggly inside. (Just now happened again I knew to get up and get my phone I knew my fiancé was about to call).
I find myself getting stronger and stronger the more I accept this is who I am. I know I can't fight it anymore and won't be fighting it anymore. I don't have anyone to talk to about this my fiancé doesn't believe in this kind of stuff and I live in a very small community where people knew this kinds of stuff about me would just call me a freak. Even my own father wigged out on me a couple days ago when I called him and told him that I had some stuff to tell him he got mad with me and told me that I must have been reading his horoscope or something and told me to stop lying and admit that's what it was I told him I just had a feeling I needed to share with him he got angry with me and told me he had to go and didn't talk to me for a few weeks. When I had called him to talk to him I told him he needed to be aware that someone he knew but was also a stranger would need his help soon and that he would have a break in a his BP case soon. When he finally called me back a few weeks later he was having a woman he knew a long time ago from somewhere he has previously lived staying on his couch and also his attorney called him about his BP case and they were finally getting to the numbers that he was looking for. He asked me how I knew, but all I could tell him is I don't know. He just thinks I got lucky so I let him go with that. The more I tune into someone the more I can tell them something it does freak a lot of people out so I hate having to keep it to myself. I would just like someone to tell me what is going on with me what is it exactly that I am? Where do I go from here? Or just someone to just talk to about it so I don't feel so alone about with it. It's hard for me to make friends knowing the things that I know knowing they may never accept me for who I am, or trying to get me to tell them something about themselves and it not being something they want to hear. I also forgot to mention I can see past lives it's something knew and I know that it sounds crazy but I know that I can see them along with my own. Someone please just tell me something about this. Thank you.
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