Started As A Curse Ended As A Gift

It's weird sometimes to think that I am different from other people, it's definitely not something I had wished, rather it was something that life threw in my face to survive, so it's difficult to share the experiences that have led me to try to understand my gift. (Which I'm not sure what is) When I was 3 years old my family was on a big car accident, my first memory is of that crash and the moments before it happened. I was settled in a sit up in the front in between my mom and dad and I was looking to the window ahead when I saw a strange thing in front of me, I felt nervous and I saw three people lying in the grass with a white blanket on them, just to cover them since they weren't dead and then I saw an ambulance carrying somebody strapped to a stretcher putting it into the ambulance, when I saw the car it was the same as ours and the windshield was broken, I turned to ask my mom what had happened and she told me a car crashed. The image suddenly disappeared and I was in the car with my family, still driving and in that moment I don't know why if felt so important but I started asking my sister for some magazine she was reading, my sister didn't want to give it to me so I started shouting that I needed it and my mom took the magazine from my sister and gave it to me. Five minutes later we crashed against another car and where thrown to a tree. The windshield exploded and I was saved by the magazine I had put in front of me, that accident left a scar on everyone in my family except me; I was the only one in the car that was completely safe when in reality people were talking about how I should be the one to be most wounded of all. I don't remember how I got out of the car because apparently the people around me say the experience was so traumatic I went into shock, in the moment I was in the ground waiting for somebody to tell me what to do, I saw my three brothers under a white blanket being treated for their wounds and my mother strapped into the stretcher from the ambulance, it turned out that my mother saved my life by holding me against the sit which broke her collarbone and also broke part of her neck. I was taken to my house with one of my sisters who suffered only a minor wound in the face that was treated quickly and on the ride home, all I could see were shadows that walked behind people in the street that vanished when they walk. Later on I would recognize that this were auras.

The next part that I am going to tell is personally and really hard to share, but necessary so you can understand why these abilities started developing. As a child I was raped, it lasted a really long time until I stopped it and realize what was happening, but I'm not here to speak of that experience in detail. Around this time, the shadows around people started growing larger and took on only two colors which were black and white, except for my grandmother which was silver. My grandmother was a very special person to me, but she was with me for a very little time in my childhood, she got cancer and had to spend a lot of time in her house, my other cousins or even my brothers didn't like to visit her because it brought unnecessary pain to them which I can understand. One day I went into my grandmothers room because I felt I needed to be beside her and when I sat down at her side I told her she was going to die the next day, I remember I started telling her and that she shouldn't be worried because she would go to a beautiful place where she would find peace, apparently I told her more things but I don't remember them. My mom was at the door listening to everything I told my grandmother and I remember when I got out of the room to continue playing in the yard my grandmother told me before I left: thank you which I never understood why. The next day my grandmother died in my mother's arms, she had stayed with her so she wouldn't be alone. All my family was really hurt by this news and although I was hurt I wasn't surprised which helped my family a lot because my cousins took it so hard they really needed a little peace from the little girls of our family.

My grandfather died almost ten years after but when he was admitted to the hospital I didn't want to see him because I knew he would die the next day, I didn't know how but I just did, the next day in fact he died and here I was shock because I didn't want to be right, I didn't want to know this things. I've had this happened in other occasions for example when my mom got her new job I had told her before she would get it, that she would get it, when I saw a house for the first time just passing by I told my mother we would live there which we ended up doing, and also when my father left my family blaming me for it, my mom told me that he would come back but I told her that wouldn't happened because his life is no longer crossing with ours, which again really happened and my father has never come back.

Another strange situation that happened to me was when my mother's birthday had come and I had a present for her but suddenly I had the urge to write, so I sat down and started writing and when I was done what I had in front of me was a poem from my grandmother to my mother, it was weird and strange but the overall message from the poem was that she was ok, she was very proud of my mom and that she was strong enough to handle what was happening. I didn't understand it at first but when I gave it to my mom she started crying so hard it surprised me because I hadn't ever seen her like that before, there was just no way to describe it, later they told me my father had appeared and he had filed for divorce, a fact I wasn't aware of but that hurt my mother deeply. Something similar happened with a family that went to my school whose child which went to preschool had died from a brain tumor, I was shocked and sad for them so I was going to the ceremony the school had organized when I felt once again the urge to write so I sat down and wrote what came to my head, when I was done it turned out to be another poem which was directed to the parents of the boy from the boy, overall the poem specified that his death wasn't painful and he was never alone since a man had been there with him the whole time telling him it would be ok and that he would come with him to a place of no pain, it also said not to punish themselves and to be able to love again. When the ceremony ended the poem was presented to the audience, a copy of it was given to the parents and later on they found me and hugged me thanking me for telling them their son was at peace.

Other things have happened that started developing by the time I was raped was that I tended to lose concentration on what was important and started to focus solely in nature. I could spend hours staring as a water stream without losing focus and without a thought, I started playing with fire a lot which worried my family a great deal specially when I had accidents with the fire, but they never hurt as much as expected and they never left a scar for example I started burning a piece of plastic and the burned part fell into my hand melting part of my skin, in the moment it happened I knew it hurt me but I didn't scream, I didn't even cry I just went to the bathroom and washed it away, my mother saw the wound and took me to the hospital they put some bandages and told my mother that because of the depth that the plastic had burned into my skin it would leave a scar, I remember turning to the doctor and telling him it wouldn't leave a scar. For my last checkup the bandage had been taken off and there was no scar in my hand. The other thing that would always bother my mom was when I went to the tallest part of a tree and I would fall asleep to the sound of the wind, the fear here came from the fact that more than once I should have fall.

The psychological repercussions of my sexual abuse where also demonstrated by my isolation towards the children my age, which sadly lead to being bullied during all my childhood until I was in 8 grade, during this time I remembered that sometimes when I focused on something to happen they would, which really scared me at the time. Once I was bullied so much by this specific girl that I just loathe for how much she had hurt me that I wanted something to happen to her, so we were seated in a circle in the classroom and there was a board behind her, I remember she was making fun of me and I was just so angry that I started thinking "fall on top of her, fall on top of her" I went like this for 15 minutes when my teacher spoke to me and that's when my concentration broke, and at the same time the board fell on top of this girl, she wasn't badly hurt just a bump in her head but that scared me I really tried to rationalize it at the time, thinking maybe it was a loose board or it wasn't properly set but then I heard my teachers talking about the weirdness of the accident since the board was properly set and secured. It really scared me because this wasn't just a onetime thing, during all this time until I turned 14 it repeated itself when I got angry at someone. I remember I was sick for almost 2 months in my home in which this girl the same I mentioned before started doing cyber bullying so I was really mad and tired and just wanted her to feel some of the pain that she inflicted on me, during those 2 months she fell of a stairway twice breaking her leg and one arm, I didn't know what to think at all it was weird thinking it might be my fault when it could just as easily be an accident but thing like this kept repeating themselves not at the same gravity as with this girl but in small things which tended to be noticeable to the rest and actually I was asked quite often if I was some kind of witch.

When I was 14 this ended because I had one dream where I met a shadow person, in the dream I couldn't see his face but I wasn't scared I was actually calm and happy. The dream was brief not too many things to tell but the thing that marked me was that the shadow person closed his face to mine like a kiss I remember waking up with a great sense of lose but at the same time I hadn't felt that much happiness before, after that dream my feeling of anger started to fade, yet they aren't entirely gone, at that moment I started seeing the auras in color for the first time. At first it was almost blinding, so many auras all mixing up like a rainbow yet not quite as much and that's also when I realized I had a blue aura. I remember my grandmother telling me I was a healer but I never understood what she meant by it until I started researching what my aura meant and started meditating to try to connect me with myself. It wasn't easy and sometimes it wasn't comfortable but then I would dream about the shadow person, he would always be there either near me, or embracing me, just by keeping me company I would feel energized for some reason. Only twice I have been able to see the shadow in the real world, the first time I was really scared and it was far from me then I relaxed and when that happened the shadow was gone. The second time he was just a foot of distance of me and that was when I was having a flashback of my childhood that led me to an emotional breakdown I was alone in my house at the time but having him there was the biggest support I could have. At first I thought the shadow may have been just a part of my psyche that used it as a coping mechanism but then my family started seeing a shadow in certain parts of the house, they could never focus on it though and later when I went on a trip to Spain I had a lot of gypsy women following me always telling me the same thing in the streets that was: " a shadow is following you" or "the spirit of light is with you". I never really understood what they meant, but thanks to the help and support this shadow gave me I was able to learn how to heal people. I can't heal physical wounds I mean if somebody broke an arm I couldn't fix it, I am no doctor in that sense but I am able to take away the pain, it drains me and sometimes when somebody's physical pain mixes with the psychological one it may reach me until the point I share both pains with the person which isn't good since then we share a kind of dependency of one another. But it's still something I am very grateful I can do since it has helped a lot of people in my life even I they don't believe it, I am just happy they are ok.

I realized that this ended up being a lot longer than I intended but I just decided to put all things together into one place. This gift started as a curse because it was developed in years of pain, fear and anger, it was mixed with bad memories and wishes for it all to be gone. A lot of stuff happened to me as a child which I don't always tell people because sometimes I think it's too much, too many bad things to happen to one single person especially in her childhood but then I realize I'm not making this up and this is my life whether I like it or not and thanks to my past I am able to help people today, I am not really sure what exactly my gift is since the few people that know about my past always tell me different things, but even if I never know specifically what my gift is I am just happy I am able to help the people who surround me, those who I can call my true family.