It started about mid-puberty, when I discovered that I could think 'Sit!' or 'Come here!' to my grandmother's dog, and she'd do it. I thought it was cool at the time, but probably a fluke.
Shortly after I got a 'second self voice' - I don't mean a crazy, schizophrenia kind of voice, but a voice that was like me answering myself without any conscious thought. If I wondered, "When's this weeks' homework in for?" or "I wonder if there's any milk left in the fridge at home?" then inevitably I'd get an answer that didn't feel intrusive, but also didn't feel like me thinking. "Wednesday" or "Yes" - those can be rationalized by subconscious memories. Knowing if a teacher wanting to talk to me was about something bad or if something would be okay after someone told me something bad - that, I decided, could just be subconscious notice of their body posture and voice tone.
So far, so good, and then I had a chat with my cats. And then it was a little crazy, because I was pretty sure I was delusional. I'm still not entirely sure that actually, I'm just a nut job. My cats talk like people, only with voices I can hear mentally, and not... Quite in the same way as people (I'm sorry, I can't explain any more than that, I have no words) and I can feel a mental connection between me and them when I do so. It feels like a tube or string. I can call their names mentally and they look round at me. I'm great at accidentally connecting to random things passing by like horses and sheep. I can get within a few paces of wild rabbits by telling them I won't hurt them, but I can feel they don't trust me anyway. Even trees, though trees just tend to feel rather patient and sleepy and quiet. I'm really quite bad at breaking connections, though - I can't make a clean sever.
Add onto that that it's not just big animals, it's also spiders, flies, insects, the like. I can talk to anything alive, any time, apparently even connect with non-conscious organic matter - not that that actually talks, I just feel its state.
Several times, I've forced spiders to move where I want them. It looks dreadful. They look in pain, like every inch of their bodies is fighting and yet they're totally compelled to move wherever I want. My greatest feat was forcing one right across my room, from my ceiling right over me, across the ceiling and behind the dresser, and my room's quite big. It seems to work best with spiders, I've not had great luck with insects, and it doesn't always work, or sometimes they just shudder and don't move. Either I lack focus, or I'm not up to top speed, or maybe it depends on the spider's strength and my mood. Maybe they get used to my energy? I try not to do it because it looks like torture. Sometimes I make links and send energy without meaning to.
My energy feels like... A kind of directed pressure going outward from my head. It doesn't hurt but it's... Almost as if it would hurt, but it's numbed? I can draw this energy out the ground and direct it too, though I'm dreadful at directing it. It feels like I send lots at a time, but I run out of it quite quickly - bad efficiency, perhaps. I can feel the energy around me. I can sense at a very low level a person's mood, sometimes the person on the phone pops into my head before it's answered, I can tell when someone's coming home. I can feel when the house is empty before I check, and I can feel when someone's here.
The thing that makes me most frightened, though, is that I think ghosts follow me. I can't see them but I feel their presence. I try not to, it scares me deeply and I don't want to talk to them. I think my house is haunted and it feels faintly malicious, not actively hurtful, but resentful. I don't think it can do anything active, but it tries to spook me.
At night, sometimes I feel presences by the window. Sometimes... It feels like my energy is being sucked out of my head by these passers-by. They give me terrible visions, or they send me deep into trance-like dreams, and it's agony, feeling like my mind is being dragged out of me. It passes fairly soon. It helps a lot if a light is on or if I have music - it affects me worst if there's nothing to distract me.
I talked to one once. I tried to rebel against it by accident. I didn't mean to but I think I tried to attack it, and then it just sucked harder and caused me more pains. Then, having read Harry Potter shortly before, I tried to take a leaf out of its proverbial book and turn the gruesome images into something I found funny in my head - this actually worked. It found me intriguing. My self-voice told me I was being incredibly dangerous and stupid, so I stopped.
These days I just turn on my laptop for some light if I feel it coming. Safer and effective too.
These things all conflict with my world-view and it sometimes feels like I am just bona-fide crazy. I'm an atheist and I want to believe in nothing but what's tangible, but while I don't believe in God I can definitely feel these things around me.
I feel like it's possible that I'm quite strong, but definitely also very clumsy. I didn't have to work or concentrate to develop any of this; it just happened, but I can't direct or properly control my energy at all and I know nothing of this subject. Three years on this is the first time I've researched it, bah.
Oh, and there's another thing too. I have a friend, and we both like writing. Once, I noticed that just before she said what she wanted a new character to look like, I saw it mentally, quite clearly. She found it quite interesting, as she believes in psychics and uses tarot, and so she tried sending me more mental pictures - I could always tell her what character design she was thinking of, what the colours and features were, even though she was miles away on the phone or on IM. I couldn't send them back nearly as clearly. Either I'm a lousy transmitter, or she's a lousy reciever, I guess. I think she's quite a good transmitter on the other hand, because it doesn't happen with anyone else. Perhaps it's because we're just very close friends, so I'm more familiar with her... I suppose I'd say, with her mental energy?
Other times, while we were writing one particular story together, we would both say exactly the same plot idea to each other in tandem. Either we know each other way too well, or we just know what the other's thinking about. We'll occasionally have the same reactions or say things together.
Does anyone have anything to recommend? I think I might be a slight danger to myself, potentially, if I have so little control: but I can't block it out at all. Things keep trying to connect with me, or I keep feeling presences and getting little flickers of odd feelings. Perhaps even just knowing what kind of energy this is would help. I'm frightened by it. Am I crazy by your standards too? Does none of this match up to what's happened to you, and I really should just get down to the nearest psychiatrist?
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I understand what you're saying about schizophrenia, but I think you have to be careful when sharing opinions such as this. I realise that many people with psychic ability are, or have been labeled crazy, but that doesn't mean that all schizophrenics are simply really talented psychics. There are many, many strange people out there in the world who, whilst perhaps they see things in the spirit, are dangerous and unable to regulate what they see at all. While most people with schizophrenia are not dangerous, the fact exists that they have a diagnosable mental condition, and you start to sound really stone age when you go around declaring people with mental illness demon-possessed or psychic. People whom live with these conditions find it extremely difficult to function in normal society, and most of them would probably become quite annoyed and/or disillusioned when they are trying to recover and hang on to every shed of "normalcy" that they possibly can, and then someone goes around and tells them they're psychic. 1) Not everyone with psychic ability is mentally stable enough to deal with what it is they're seeing, and these people would rather be "normal". 2) Just because someone is seeing things, does not make them psychic - they may actually have something physically wrong with their brain. 3) Please, please be careful when sharing your opinions, this is a really touchy subject!
Rosamarie:
I see that you are disillusioned with Christianity. I understand how you feel, and it's exactly why I don't identify as a Christian, even though I believe in Jesus. So no, I am not offended ^^ A lot of what you have said about Christianity is very true, and whilst my Christian upbringing taught me many good values, I am at a place now where I have chosen to hold on to what is beneficial, and to reject what is harmful/non-beneficial for me.
I don't identify with a religion at all. I seek a path to God/the Divine that is right and meaningful for me. I have no need to preach to others about it, and in no way do I feel that my way is any better than anyone else's'. In fact I'm always eager to hear about others' spiritual journeys, as I know that there is much more I have to learn! I have discovered that religion can be a good starting point on one's spiritual journey. However, sometimes the walls need to be broken down to broaden one's mind. This can cause one to rebel, but I think that after the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other, it eventually winds up finding a happy medium.
It seems currently that you are swinging back from the "rebellion stage" (even if you didn't go out drinking, get tattoos and dye your hair;)) Because of the experiences you are having, you are beginning to realise that there is more than the physical world, but you are afraid of getting "sucked back in" by organized religion. Don't worry - unless the fear of Hell has really gotten to you, as it does to many whom leave the church, this won't happen. However, you are becoming more open to God once again. And when I say "God", I'm not talking about the man with the white beard up in the sky - I'm talking about whatever God - the Divine Source of All That Is, means to you. If you continue along your spiritual journey, you will see what I mean.
I'd better stop here, as this post is getting long. Feel free to email me with any questions, I'm always happy to openly discuss matters of religion and spirituality, it is actually a hobby ^^
Blessed be
Adaryn7