Terrified Of Self

My bio dad used to explain my anomalies away with religious beliefs I do not agree with. I have finally come to a point of self acceptance and have restarted my journey to find others who could maybe help me gain a bit of control and understanding. There are some aspects I can not talk about due to the rules on this page so parts will be left out. All in all I have viewed these happenings as a curse more than anything, but I have accidentally helped people a few times. It has been a struggle to not hate myself over whatever this is my whole life. The only people I have opened up to about it were because things happened directly in front of them. I think the chances of me being alone in this are very slim, just by numbers alone. I have always tried to stay a little numb, whether its tea or legal substances that could help, because I am terrified of losing control. I do not want to cause harm to anyone ever, and it haunts me that people even almost got hurt through out my life and these random situations.

One of the ones that never leaves my mind is when I was around 5 years old. My little brother and I had not seen our bio mom in about a year. Her and our step dad had left to MN for some job opportunity that wound up falling through. We were visiting for a weekend and my bio mom who was no longer used to having kids around got very overwhelmed and her and I got into a screaming match... All of a sudden my mind went blank and I couldn't stop just screaming. I clenched my tiny fists and felt a pule like vibration wave through me. The only thing I can compare it to is when lighting strikes right by you and that wave of energy and light hit you and fade out. In that moment that the pulse happened a frying pan flew off of the place it was hanging in the kitchen and right at my moms head. It was a cast iron skillet and it barely missed her. It was so traumatic. She did not look at me the same again and didn't say much of anything to me at all the next few visits. I was used to being locked up in my room because of my home life but I know she was just scared. The terror in her face and her fear of me just stuck with me. I felt like I was this horrible monster that needed fixing. Other strange things happened around other adults I would get the same guffawed reaction. I had at one point had a premonition of my lunch number being changed due to the systems being down and I memorized the number by repeating it over and over again. When I got in line the lunch lady started to explain, I interrupted her and read off the new number that only she had seen. She transferred to the kitchen and refused to ever even make eye contact with me or acknowledge my existence again. From knowing things I shouldn't, to objects moving and the stuff I am leaving out, I just grew to feel like this was all a disease. It has very rarely been helpful and its always at points of high stress or sudden emergencies. Maybe I will never gain full control, but I need to understand it or at least not feel so alone in this.

I have looked into so many different religions, so many old folk tales and nothing ever seems to fully fit or give enough of an explanation. I am positive there are scientific explanations for this stuff that we just do not or can not understand yet, so until then I am just trying to make sense of it all so I can be less afraid. I tried for a long time to get rid of it completely and thought I had until a situation at a house party. Everyone in my family except for my little brother acts like none of it ever happened. My little brother has had his own experiences but for the most part he has had to try really hard and train and practice for those less intense things. He got pretty obsessed and never really dropped it but I do not want people knowing unless they have to know. And even then most of the time I awkwardly try to explain it (I am a terrible liar) which of course always comes off weird and then I usually just slowly ghost those friends in hopes they'll convince themselves they just didn't see it right or have some explanation.

So yea... That is the very very short very PG version of my ongoing story. I will probably share more later on, but this is my very first post on here or ever publicly/anonymously interacting with people who may be similar.