Is It Supposed To Hurt?

I was labeled on the autistic spectrum at age 5, and grew up in a broken home. My mother used to beat me severely and drown me at least 30 times as a toddler. She used to lock me in toy chests and that's when I met these people who would talk to me and comfort me and I had broken bones and they would make the pain go away in exchange for stories. So as a young child I told these people stories of worlds I would imagine and they would take me to these places in my mind and it would be an escape from the abuse. As I got older the people went away and I over time discovered I knew when people were going to get angry. I would have dreams of when I was going to be in danger and would use it to avoid certain people. I just assumed for years that this was normal, it wasn't until I was about 16 that I discovered my raising was very unorthodox, and in some ways, I was more advanced than others while in other ways I was lacking. One time while backpacking in the Appalachian mountains I had a dream we were at a restaurant and I started running because in my dream somebody said the last one back is a fag! And I was like I'm not a fag! So I ran for what felt like an hour then I remembered I'm in the middle of the Appalachian mountains. All of a sudden I realized I am wearing pajama pants I have no shoes on and it's pitch black in the middle of the woods So I took a deep breath and closed my eyes because straining to see in the dark night wouldn't do any good. I knew one direction was a cliff, and another was uphill, and somewhere in between was the trail so barefoot in the dark I walked toward what I felt was the right direction for 6 hours I walked after which I began to panic and called out into the night and I kept calling and calling until one of my group shouted shut up! I'm trying to sleep! So I made my way back to my sleeping bag because in the dark and in my state of mind I could see smells and sounds almost made an outline, and slept for about 2 hours before we had to get up the next day. We were hiking for about 10 miles when I saw the sign for sassafras gap which I ran past in my dream so in my sleep I ran at least 10 miles and walked back more in pitch-black darkness. In high school, I was bullied for being an outcast but I always knew peoples deepest darkest secret so and so poops in an outhouse because they don't have indoor plumbing, this one is being molested by a family member, it wasn't like I went looking for the darkness in people it more so found me. Again I didn't really know what I was experiencing was abnormal. I thought it was just a defense mechanism. When I was 18 a roommate of mine was depressed and I had this feeling of him dying so I went home to check on him he had slit his arms with like an orange piece of car light plastic and was on death's door so I performed first aid and got help saving his life. I forgot to mention my dad died when I was 9 me and my siblings I all threw up or collapsed the moment he died. When I was around 20 I became homeless for a month and that's when hearing thoughts and feelings became an everyday part of life. It started out as hearing people thinking about stealing my pizza but when I would leave the building it would go away. I knew when a girl was pregnant and considering abortion when my hand touched hers after she asked me for a cigarette and I withdrew my hand and refused to give it to her because of the baby, I didn't want to be responsible for that Karma. I was in a halfway house education program and I made a mental game out of figuring out who got what std from what person, I would predict who would make it through the program and who wouldn't have a lot of dreams where I would talk with the different people who had died there over the decades. I wasn't afraid of them, quite often I'm visited by the dead or other dream walkers, I got the feeling most don't know they are doing it. I came to the conclusion I was going crazy so I sought help from a therapist who I am grateful for she did not think I was crazy and she encouraged me to try to exorcise these abilities of mine and try to understand them, and not fear them. Around this time I to my shame started experiencing with drugs I discovered I could feel these connections between everyone and follow certain ones to people. I never really used this in any practical sense like to find missing people, only to locate a friend in a crowd and get out because in crowds peoples thoughts are painful to me, its very difficult to separate the insecurities and the good from the bad and it all merges together in a sort of blobish borg of jumbled emotions. I got clean from my addiction and through a series of events discovered I can calm people by thinking it, or make them angry, or compel them to deep sadness. So I worked for a long time as a social worker in group homes. I used my extra senses to predict when kids were going to explode or get in fights, sometimes it was a taste in the air or a smell other times it was like a ribble in the energy around me. I would proactively take action and distract the client I knew was about to explode and talk them down before anything happened. It was around this time that is most recent and when I discovered my last 2 abilities. The first of which is I always had outlandish dreams but every once in a while I would have these surreal ones and then months or years later they would turn out to be true. However, it's never a useful thing it's something like you will eat fish on this day with this weather and a bone will scrape your gums oooohhh. Or your friend will get a booger on her jacket from her kid that isn't born yet while you are having this dream and she will cuss a lot because it will keep her from hooking up with this guy she likes. So there is that. Then within the last 2 years, I came to accept I attract chaotic people and chaotic events. I tend to come off as very kind and good-hearted so most chaotic people find me soothing, but I discovered I can pull people to me. It's kind of the same feeling as following the connections between all of us but I pull on it ever so gently and the people on those lines sort of slide into place like dew on spiders we, I can't repel people very well but I went spelunking to try and detox from human contact and medicated in a cave in Indiana and I waited in the cave for a few weeks I had food and water. Sure enough, a group of people came and had an orgy in the dark thinking I wasn't there, so I just got up and made my way out of the cave and more or less checked it off another ability I have to live with. I live with these things, for the most part, it sucks most people are not acceptable to the thought of some guy knowing your pain, or they are not comfortable with the idea that some person knows what you will do before you do it, or even that you can see the holes in peoples minds and probe for weaknesses. I'm a very lonely existence. You see peoples true nature, I struggle to trust people or develop strong relationships. When I do I almost never share what I can do or tell them what I see or hear anymore. Most of my life is me pretending what I can do is guesswork or calculation. Getting awkward stares from my mannerisms. I am curious and interested in meeting others like me or learning just how many people can relate to my experiences... I would be interested in sharing experiences and discussing techniques.