How I Became A Monster

When we're little, we fear that monsters are under our beds. That's before we realize that there is a monster inside us all.

I question if I'm insane. Really. I mean, my experiences in my opinion seem to unreal. Just wait, you'll think I'm crazy too.

But, It didn't get crazy until high school.

I found out about my psychic abilities around five or six, but haven't officially confirmed it until I was seven, when my dad died.

I was always able to predict events in the near future, and see spirits. I mean, common abilities, you know?

Middle school came, got slightly weirder... To me.

I remember the minute I laid eyes on my current boyfriend, Mitch. I never spoke to him at the time, and soon by best friend and him were dating. That was OK, because I hated him.

Anyway, once I saw him, I felt like some zombie the whole day. Why? Well, you see, I was walking around the field in P.E. Zoning in and out of constant visions. Of what? Mitch's life.

I saw how he got 'technically' abused in a way. I saw how much he hated his father. His cousin dealt with drugs. I saw how he was hurting inside because of his looks (even though I didn't think anything was wrong with him.) I saw how much he loves his mother and sister. And I saw how he was completely oblivious of the fact that his energy was like a burning fire, ready to ignite. His abilities were STILL not activated by middle school.

I mean, finding out people's secrets that way was normal. I just never knew nearly every secret, or walked around like a zombie like I was on drugs, not able to focus on reality.

Being depressed at the time didn't help with zoning out. I was stuck with my own problems AND his.

Anyway, at that time I met one of my current best friends, Kit.

I met her through my other best friend, Alice. I remember how I met Alice. It was in elementary. I saw her, and immediately noticed her energy, then went up to her yelling "HI! Wanna be friends?"

Anyway, I remember seeing Kit. I remember, because I couldn't stop starring at her.

I never felt this kind of energy before. I mean, Alice and I's energy were eerily similar. It seemed...well, dark. I didn't know why. I mean, that doesn't mean I'm evil. Just because I can't help but know every part of someone's lives and see dead people?

Well. At least that didn't make since to me.

No. Kit's energy was energetic. But it was bright. I mean, sometimes I could see it and would have to shield my eyes.

Uhm, hello... That never happened before either! So, I sat there like, what in the hell just happened... Did I just see some bright orb looking thing around her?!

Later in the year, I found out what exactly Kit was.

Here I thought I was intruding in peoples lives, but no. Kit could read minds. Turns out, she accidentally read my mind a lot.

Freaky.

Alice was unique. But, I honestly don't want to get to the part. I have a feeling it will be some ongoing debate that get's everyone mad and people will call me schtizo -Shrugs- I would to.

I mean, that's probably going to already happen when I say what my abilities turned into.

So, freshman year came, as well as extreme depression. So, that year was blank. I mean, when you're depressed your abilities don't like to come out to play.

Anyway, sophomore year though. Jeesh.

By that time, I went through this thing already that I labeled as a "Development Stage"

Yes, here I was. Starting to do experiments and observing people with abilities around middle and high school.

I was always really into science.

Anyway, the Development Stage is either right after, or a year or two after puberty. So, usually in middle school.

The person goes a week, exactly, and I mean, by the second, without their abilities. After that week, their abilities are much more stronger. Sometimes they will lose one or two abilities, and sometimes will also gain one or two abilities in the process.

After my Development stage in middle school, I couldn't see spirits anymore or read minds (which I could barely do. But for only a short amount of time.) Anyway, I wasn't aware I had another ability, one that I had for a very long time.

This is where it gets creepy.

Heck, this is the part where you start to hate my guts then complain about this post thinking I would harm someone. -Shakes head- that's not how this work. I understand if you dislike what I'm about to say, but if you dislike it, I will hope you stop reading.

This site is about acceptance, and I don't think I ever saw someone be rude on this site anyway, so I'm not worried about that. I don't know, I'm new to this particular site.

So, I was in Louisiana, kind of depressing over my aunt that recently committed suicide, that lived in that very house. Because of that, that made me think of my dad as well.

So here I am, taking a shower then randomly had a...what, vision? It wasn't the future. It was the past.

It was me.

If you thought "Ring Around The Roses" was a creepy song, just wait.

In the vision, well... Not really a vision, more like a memory, But the way the memory came and made me not even realize I'm still in the shower because I can't see anything acted like it was a vision.

Sorry, back to the point.

I was in my dads house, dancing with him, singing Ring Around the Roses.

The TV was on... I think. I think it was on some crime show.

I always had random thoughts.

But yeah. Anyway, As I'm singing the song, a random thought comes to mind.

Man, it would suck to lose my dad to a heart attack.

On the tv this guy had a heart attack so I guess that's why I thought that. I often think of family or friends dying as I daydream. My way of seeing how much I cared about them, to see how much I would cry over them.

Well, I hid my tears after that thought, then brushed the thought away.

Then, my sister and I were ready and packed. My mom picked us up that time, which usually my dad drops us off at my moms. Anyway, my sister was behind me, and I was waving back at my dad and then a voice came.

I could feel the warm breath on my shoulder. I heard the voice like it was some normal person.

"Better say 'I Love You'. It's the last time you'll see him." Then laughter.

And I remembered how I felt like I 'saw death' that day.

Five days later, and my mom brings my sister and I home, telling us he had a heart attack.

The vision/more-like-a-memory then switched to me and my younger sister, Emily. We were in the park, holdings hands and spinning in a circle.

Singing Ring Around the Roses.

Then my aunt came, saying goodbye because she was goanna head home.

That was around middle school, when I was still stuck in depression.

Yea, I think you know what happens next.

I was thinking about taking pills to end it all later. Then I look at my aunt. Of course I didn't think of my aunt committing suicide. I thought of me.

Anyway, I said bye.

Then the voice came.

"That's the last time you'll see her." Laughter.

I told her I loved her.

But I never got to hug her.

I didn't know how she was going to die. Heck, I kept telling myself it wasn't real. I spent the rest of the day stressed as hell, thinking, "What if she had a car accident?"

When I heard she made it home safely, I wasn't that worried anymore.

Five days later, we receive a call.

She killed herself.

She seemed to have such a happy life. A husband and a kid.

Then, I snap back into reality. In the shower, crying.

It took me several moments to process what just happened.

I was thinking, wow. My premonitions were so accurate.

Then another thought hit. Such a horrible, horrible thought. What if it was my fault? Both times I was singing that horrible song.

I tried to laugh it off, telling myself that's crazy.

You know? You can't kill... By singing a children's song.

But, then the need-to-know ate me up inside. I had to test it out.

I spent that night thinking who I should test it on.

I doubted it would work. And, it had to be someone who was bad. But, either way, I would still feel horrible.

Just for trying.

So, I chose Mitch's dad (By that time, we were dating). He was abusive.

I considered if I should try, since I was not even in the same state as him, but I had to know.

So, I pulled out my laptop, wrote his name down and tried to focus on no one else but him.

Then, I sang. I pictured him getting a heart attack, not knowing what else.

I woke up the next morning feeling drained. I didn't notice how my senses wern't stronger than usual, or how I didn't have a vision every few seconds.

Until later of course.

Then, five days minus four hours later, and Mitch and I were at the park, talking.

Then he told me how his dad was receiving symptoms of a heart attack, and how he seemed to be losing his mind.

My heart was beating so fast, I didn't know what to think.

Did I do that? No. He's still alive. I talked to Alice and Kit about it, my two best friends. That's when I realized I forgot the most important part.

His dad had a shield. Of course. How could I forget? I remember when I met him.

So, I tried again. I searched up a random wanted criminal, and starred at his picture. Studying his facial features in the horrible-quality camera.

Then I sang. I pictured him trying to rob a bank near my area (since, that's what he was wanted for.) then I pictured attempting to run away in a getaway car. A police chase, then in the field next to a gas station, he gets shot and dies.

Five days minus four hours later, I see the news.

Five days minus four hours later, I realize I'm not only a monster, but I killed my own father and aunt.

Now I will forever live with such guilt and dread.

And a rollar coaster of denial to guilt, back and forth.

The thing is, even if his father was abusive,

Even if that was a criminal,

Doesn't that make me evil for killing?

After killing, I have this whole week where my abilities are strong as hell. And I like it. Then a week after, it's like their soul is "free" then I feel guilty again.

Literally, since there spirit is gone for a whole damn week and then there the next. Almost like I ate them.

That seems a little unrealistic, you know? A soul eating monster.

Please, I'll pass.

So, I finally posted my biggest secret. Which, doesn't matter since no one knows who I am. But, still.

I doubt anyone would believe me, honestly.

If I read this in middle school, I would think I was crazy.