I Feel Like There Is More To Me

Everything started back when I was about 10/11. I'd recently moved house and school which I was beginning to consider normal due to the amount of times my mum had moved me before. This time however I was moved into a Catholic school. I have the distinct memory of playing a game with my friend and we stood on the sloped corner of the play ground. I was holding onto this odd tree which was there, all of it was by the side of a Mary statue. They used to have prayer there (which I was excused from if I wished as I am and was an atheist) and all I can remember is another friend coming up to us and asking what we were playing and without me saying anything the friend beside me said we were listening to people asking for help. The reason I remember it was because it's exactly what I could hear in my head; people, just random people asking for help. Every time I think back to it I cry, they sounded so helpless.

That was the first sign of me beginning to think there was more to me but I didn't realize it until a few years later.

Going forward, the next sign of something was my new bedroom, I had been given the box room and on the inside door handle was deep scratches, mum suggested it would have been a ferret or something odd like that, but it was like nothing I'd ever seen before. It was one of many things which disturbed me within the room. Every night I'd find myself waking to look at it, it stirred my thoughts constantly to the point where I couldn't sleep. About a week of little naps at night I suddenly fell into a deep sleep, mum said it would happen as that's what your body does but when I woke up, something was so different, there was a crevice in the quilt, it was quite large, as if a fat person had sat down for hours. The reason I assume it wasn't just a co-incidence of my moving within my sleep is because the rest of the bed sheets were smoothed out just like when I went to sleep and I hadn't moved judging by the fact I was in the same position as I fell asleep in. As far as I know this was before the tree incident but everything is very hazy as at the time I didn't pay much attention to it all.

I know at the moment it just sounds like I'm just mentioning lots of random things but I do feel they are all connected, I just don't know how.

Another point to bring up is that I am more empathic than I feel is normal. Especially recently. I find if I see anything in pain I feel the need. Actually more of a pull to help. That sounds so over-dramatic but I feel it inside, like someone is grabbing my core and edging me towards whatever is in need. Yet I refrain, I can't help everything and I refuse to if people are watching.

I know that sounds selfish but I once mentioned to my friends about some strange dreams I'd been having since I was 12, I was about 14 when I told them. I had previously told the same friend from the tree when I was 12 but she had kept it to herself and almost forgot about it. When I told them, they expected me to prove myself and I wanted to but I felt blocked, like the special feeling was gone when I dreamed. I then had to trust my instinct, I told them something I had felt prior to the block and it did come true but as I almost expected, they wanted more. I tried to carry on, loving the emotions I could feel radiating off them, they were so hopeful. But I had lost it, inside I knew, in my heart. I, however refused to acknowledge it until after I had fallen out with them over something. I can remember crying and not over the lost friendship (which is restored now) but over the fact I had lost my special dreams of things happening in the near future because I told people I shouldn't.

That is why I refuse to help in ways I wouldn't consider normal in front of others.

I know I can help as well, for years I have taken other people's negative feelings, I know because I'd comfort them physically (whether a hug or just a touch) and I would feel horrid and they would feel much better. I believe I gained this due to my mother. She would try to hide her sadness and I would hug her, even as a very young child, and then run to my bedroom to cry and I hear her not 10 minutes later singing as she turned on the radio and carried on with her day.

I also found when my friends had minor pain, like sore hands after an exam I would ask if I could help and I'd know where to press and hold on their hands to make it better. I would always have to use both hands though, and I was picky with who I would help. If I didn't feel right I didn't offer.

I'm pretty sure what I've just said is all broken and not entirely connected but all I'm wondering is there something more or am I just assuming things from old memories? Inside I feel there is more but I have been doubting myself.

If anyone can offer a viewpoint I would be eternally grateful.