When I was born, there was chaos. My mother was 44 and my father 51. I'm the second child of this union, but my father has two children from his first wife. My buba moved in with us soon after I was born. My dad was sick, my eldest brother was away in the air force, my sister was a trouble maker, my grandfather had just died. The household was tight and there was a lot of tension. My mother miscarried my older brother. So I was kind of a charmed child. She planned me and a surprise to my father, who supposedly couldn't have children any longer.
I've always been curious and aware that I was different. I felt things. Emotions, energies, music, vibrations. Everything. I had deep feelings. Even about cars and such. Would we run out of gas, did we have enough money. I was a worrier. I was watching how my parents handled everything. My father was dying and my mother was trying to keep it together. Things blew up where my sister went to live with my aunt, my grandmother went to my other Aunt. Then she died and my parents sued. My dad died and my mom got angry at my brother and sister. But things all connected. Like I was seen, but not heard, but I understood. Often I feel like I'm am observer of my own life. To do something concrete is difficult. I don't do well in jobs. I jump from job to job, yet I've been teaching music privately for 26 years. Hmm.
I married a man who I thought was perfect. My mother hated him and we fought about it. After she died, I spiraled. They call it self medicating, I call it survival any which way I can. My husband turned out to be a monster. I even asked my mother after she died, "why didn't you tell me this?" And the next morning, I opened an old journal and right to the page where I had written down the "petty" fight we had about my husband. She saw it. So, this is passed down from generation to generation.
Now I understand why I am the way I am. I love animals, nature, music. Anything with vibration, harmony and beauty. But I tend to gravitate toward negative people. I pull out their untruths and I'm good at screwing up people's lives because for some unexpected reason, they seem to tell me what they do wrong and then it comes out. Maybe not today, or tomorrow but eventually. That's why I feel that even though my husband throws all sorts of things to divert my truth, his truth will come out.
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