I'd like to share a little about my past, as I feel it may be related to this issue.
When I was in the 7th grade, I began fainting. Sometimes it was in class, sometimes it was at home or elsewhere. I was checked for heart problems, epilepsy, diabetes and low blood pressure. After being diagnosed with iron deficiency anemia (probably due to menstruation) I was put on supplements, and gradually got better and stopped fainting. Before I was diagnosed, my mother the hypochondriac was very upset fearing I had some deadly disease. She has always been an emotional mess/alcoholic. Also around this time, we had watched Schindler's List in class, and for the first time I began being aware of death. Between the realization and my mother freaking out, I was understandably upset, and any time I felt the slightest bit dizzy or disconnected, I would panic and think I was going to faint and embarrass myself in school, or even die. I began waking in the middle of the night thinking that I was going to die. I was afraid to fall asleep in the first place for fear that I would not wake up again. It got so bad that I would wake my parents so that one of them would sit up with me until I calmed down and finally fell asleep from exhaustion. I never slept well when I did sleep. My parents never took me for psychiatric help, in fact they got fed up with my state and didn't coddle me further. I never thought to ask anyone for help, I just went with it. I had to just suck it up. Eventually, they panic attacks went away for the most part, only happening once in a great while. I pretty much had to tell myself: if I die, I die. I can't do anything about it so I may as well try to live in the moment and enjoy the "now".
I am now almost 30 years old. My husband and I have been together for about 9 years, and in that time, I would very rarely wake in a panic, perhaps twice a year. Recently, as in the last couple of weeks, I have been having them about 3 times a week. It has been several nights since the last episode. When I awaken, it is not from a scary dream, and it never has been. I simply wake up feeling the most awful feeling of doom and I suddenly think about how one day I will die and my heart starts pounding so hard and when I reach the worst of the feeling, I usually cry out, just a whimper. It's really pathetic sounding and embarrassing to think about as I type this. My hubby knows what the sound means and always wakes up and holds me and is never impatient about comforting me in my distress, and never upset about waking him. It only lasts a minute. His touch anchors me again and I relax and fall asleep again. I do not have this fear of death in waking hours. I have not had a panic attack during waking hours in fact, since I was a teenager. If anything, our life has become considerably less stressful in the last 6 months, so this problem is kind of confusing regarding effects in the physical.
I am reaching out for some thoughts on this problem. Could I be receiving some type of information unconsciously that I am unable to remember when I am awake? Since this all began as a child along with the 'realization' of death, I wonder if there is something to it?
I have lots of minor happenings where I will suddenly know something out of nowhere. Sometimes it is a subtle premonition, sometimes it is an answer that didn't come from my own mind. I could go on and on about my little abilities, but for the sake of sticking to the point I will just say it is never anything evil, and certainly never anything that makes me feel the terrible feelings I have when a middle of the night panic attack comes about.
Thanks for reading.
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