First of all, I feel a bit out of place even posting this. Sometimes I think I am just a little bit crazy, and that my ex (that is relative to this) was just a little bit unusual. I have always had a feeling that is very hard to describe. Kind of like an itch on the edges of my subconscious. I get the feeling of someone looking over my shoulder when no one is there, I pick up quickly on people's emotions and can easily see through their masks they put on. People find it easy to talk to me and seem to share things with me that surprise even themselves. I have been told things that they will later say that they have never told anyone before in their lives.
I get gut feelings that work their way up and make my head tingle. My head tingle sometimes for no reason - no intoxication of any kind, no headache, just a feeling. I have always grown up wanting to be on the outskirts of large groups, feeling overwhelmed when I am the center of attention. Almost like all their energy is coming at me at once.
Then there was my last girlfriend. She had a gift. She had studied various crafts as a teenager and could manipulate her energy, see people's auras, and was very perceptive to the world around her. She would often tell me that my energy overwhelmed her, that I would cause her to "short-circuit" Other times, during the night, she would need me to hold her close so that she would stay grounded in the physical world. She would tell me that no one else was ever able to keep her grounded.
A lot of this made sense to me and still does. But I never fully understood everything. I know I have an energy inside of me, almost screaming to come out. Sometimes I feel the pressure of it wanting to make me just scream, and for no real reason. No outside influence; I am sometimes home alone and get the incredible urge to want to explode.
I recently decided to channel this energy into the physical world by training for a triathlon. I swim, bike or run 6 days a week. I physically exhaust myself to allow me to sleep. It mostly works except on that 7th day, when I get more antsy than ever.
I'm not on drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink excessively. I can maintain a "normal" life. But when I am alone, with no distractions, I feel like I am losing my mind.
I need some advice, guidance, or anything. I don't know if this is anything other than me just being - well, me. I know I can be a bit weird. And I am currently 26 years old. This has been going on for a good decade. I have had various coping mechanisms throughout the years, but I am getting worn down. Sometimes I get to the point where I want it to stop, and used to come so close to jumping off the edge it's scary. Somehow I have always kept myself from doing it, with only 1 real attempt at ending it all when I was 22. It failed (obviously).
I scare myself sometimes with the thoughts and urges that go through my head. When I was with my ex, she kept me sane because I was always trying to help her with her own insanity (don't know if that is the right word for it). Now that we are no longer together I feel it all coming back to me. I feel like I am standing at the entrance to a dark alley. An alley I must pass through. Where there is something at the end I must get to. But I don't know what it is, or what is waiting for me.
More than anything, I think I really need a guide. Someone who understands what cannot be seen, and cannot be explained, but what we all know is there. Anyone who can help me?
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However this has been going on since I was 14, and I'm not exactly sure how I got it in my head... I for some reason Thought that I was half-demon... And I thought that, that explained why I had this feeling of power inside me. I kept getting this feeling... I don't know exactly how to describe it and the picture in my head feels like a rode that leads through darkness to a certain destination. I too have tried and failed to end it... I never got through school because the pain was too much like all this energy was thrown at me, I was on overload. I tried so hard to keep going but now my life is at a standstill. Most days I feel like I'm going out of my mind, like all the energy in my body is about to explode out of me. I also feel like I'm here for a reason that there is something Important that I'm supposed to do. I've told my mom about this, but it was so hard to get through to her what I was trying to say.
Anyway, I thought I was the only one feeling these things, often hoping that no one else did because, I didn't want anyone to have to go through the same.
I honestly felt I was going crazy until I read this. I wish I could help but I too came here to seek help for the very same thing. If you learn anything can you let me know. I've been feeling more and more overwhelmed like when I was in school, but the difference is now... I'm feeling it when I am alone now.
Sorry for rambling, I can't help it.