On Empathy And Finding Yourself

I don't come to ask help off of you. Anybody. I was not completely lost always, I was just a bit skeptical. At first, I didn't even really notice it at first. As far as I knew, I was just really good at knowing people. Knowing myself, that was another story. It took a lot to really reevaluate and realize what I was. To be able to say it aloud. To myself even. I mean, there is no denying how silly it sounds at first. But I did it.

It started when I was a baby. I remember things back then. I remember a lot. For a two year old I understood too much of the world. I felt things a two year old shouldn't feel. Love, crushes, embarrassing things. I understand now that it wasn't mine to feel, but I did. My sister and I would be bored sometimes and play a game. She would hold all her nail polish colors on her side, grab one and ask which it was. I always got it right. Then, to make it more complicated. We tried combinations. I got it right again. I used to tell her that I could tell when guys liked her. I was about seven years old then. I knew I only had to stand a couple of feet away from him (the guy) and all of a sudden I would just know. Sometimes other things would come with it. I specialize in relationships. I can see the beginning and end of every one. That's how my sister uses me. Even though shes forgotten about what I did as a child, or just doesn't speak of it at all. (I had very little control over myself back then, so I gave in to my impulses).

Through middle school, it got really bad. I was sad all the time. My heart broke over and over again and I didn't even know why. This went on for four years. Until I woke up from it all. When I did, I realized a lot of things about myself. After spending four years inside my head, I knew too much, I couldn't stop my head from going on without me.

Awhile ago I met a girl at work. At the instant that I saw her, I hated her and didn't know why. It isn't normal for me to hate someone. Usually I love everyone. I know that sounds crazy, but its true. I do. After feeling everyone's pain, knowing everyone's story the way I do, I can't help but love them. Soon after meeting this girl, my best friend walked through the door and I could see why I hated her. She was about to have a relationship with him and break his heart. Over and over again. Also, another piece of information that slipped into my head: she had been pregnant before, gave up the baby when her boyfriend left her.

Sometimes, I just know things. Things that no one has told me, yet I know. I understand.

Sometimes I feel things so strongly, that I can't control myself.

I feel urges to kiss a guy that's just a friend. Then, I realize I was standing too close to a friend of mine, and he is her boyfriend. Some times it feels invasive and I wish I could get it out, get myself under control. Because sometimes I can't tell what's true and what's not. What belongs to me and what doesn't. This is why I have no relationships at all. Have you ever felt someones love so strongly that you think its your own? I have. But I just can't love someone because they love me. Its not fair. If that means I can't date, then, oh well.

I've gotten a lot of control over my empathy but at the same time, I'm scared when it dims down. Its a part of me, and without it, I feel too human. Its an advantage and I can't live without that part of me. I want to learn to make it stronger. There's another part to me, but ill explain that later.