I'm not sure what category this would fall into, because I'm not sure what is going on exactly. Please let me know if this isn't meant to be here. I need advice, but can't find anything online about this.
I've been falling into strange trances lately. Before giving some info leading up to this, I'll explain what they are like.
I don't notice it start. Usually, I'm listening to something, like a person talking or a TV or something else. My conscious thought becomes more detached from reality, and it's like my thoughts become more disorganized.
When this happens, I forget to perceive my physical body. It's a hard thing to put into words, so please bear with me.
The people around me say that I "turn into an NPC" sometimes, or I "turn mentally retarded." I don't answer responses normally, it's like I can only remember the last few words spoken and I respond to those words as if they are the whole conversation, and in a very average way. Its like I cannot keep context of a conversation. The thing is, I never remember this, from the time I feel myself slip to the time I "come back," I don't retain anything.
I have made excuse after excuse for this, blaming it on being tired or distracted. I haven't told anyone except for my mom about what happens deep in this trance. I told her because she has had experiences since she was my age, and I knew she would take me seriously at least.
Well, now on to what happens, before some back story.
Several things can happen. The most common is the feeling of receiving information. My mind will get to a point of scrambled that I cannot make out words in my thoughts anymore. It feels like another language or distortion takes over my mind. It's worth noting that I feel like my mind leaves, and my body feels like its vibrating. Usually afterwards, I feel "knowing" like an impression, and usually that night I would get some sort of paradigm shift I guess, and I see things differently.
It's also worth noting that I study a lot, looking for divine knowledge. These states worry me though, because they are not something I can control, it's like an attack.
Another thing that can happen is what I call a break in consciousness. This can happen when I can still think in words. Usually, I let my mind wander aimlessly and then it goes inward, spiraling down into me. I don't know how else to explain it.
When it goes far enough down, I get to a point where my mind "jumps" to a second mind, which is slightly higher, and it is coming from a different experience or direction. It also says "you" instead of "me" in my head, like it's another person, but it is my mind. When I realize this, usually my mind is pushed back to my normal consciousness.
I can control this by letting my thoughts spiral down again, dipping into this energy or entity or part of myself. When I "become" that other mind, I try immediately to remember something from that mind to get information about this. This is always met with a shove back.
Last time, though, it got to a point of "we" instead of "you" or "me" in my mind, and it was like my mind was "speaking" in two voices at once. Then, I could see a place in my mind that was so real it felt like I was there. I could not see myself. I was inside of a house where everything was eerily normal and white. I was in the kitchen. The grass outside was white. I felt like I was always there, and it was my home for eternity, with no distractions and no color or sound, so the only thing I could do is reflect and think.
I came out of this and slowly could think again, like it faded. I think this was in a span of 20-30 minutes. I was with two other people who were playing a video game and they said I wasn't listening, but wasn't acting weird.
That night, I wanted to write really bad and started to. I don't usually write anything, so this was weird enough. It started normal, but fell into something like automatic writing. This revealed some connections to the things I knew that I could not make before, even though it seemed so obvious after writing it all. I won't share that here for now. Since then, this has happened multiple times, and I'm compiling those for later.
Another thing that can happen is direct messages from what I hope is my subconscious. These are usually lines of what I would call intuition, like 'a-ha' moments, but they come so close together that they can overlap sometimes even. I can never make this happen, and it's usually things I haven't considered before at all.
Those are the most common things that happen when I get stuck in one of these "trances." This is very recent, within the past 2 months or so, but some things seem to have led up to this. I'll start chronologically if I can remember properly.
First things first, it needs to be mentioned that I dream a lot. This runs in the family seemingly. Me, my mom, grandma, and siblings all of vivid nightly dreams for the most part. I've had them since I could remember.
I've been studying everything I can in the past 4-5 months to understand divinity. I do not get invested in many single things though while doing this. It's mostly a combination of old texts, occult knowlege, history or politics, philosophy, psychology, fringe science, nature, geometry and various esoteric things.
It's worth mentioning that sometimes now, I'll get a thought to do something in my head. If I choose not to, my mind will keep repeating that thing, getting louder, to shouting and it gets distorted and angry. This usually happens for a few minutes until I fight it down or do the thing it wants me to do. Its never anything bad, things like "go outside" or "pretend to be asleep" or "put your hand on (my boyfriend) " or wierd compulsions like that. If I don't do the thing that's told, I feel "fear" rise in me for no reason. This is one of the reasons I've thought these things may be an entity or some sort of mental issue.
One day, I went to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror. For some reason, I could not stop staring at my eyes. Then I felt an urge to count to 10. I did this, controlling my breathing and counting up to 10 in rhythm over and over, making the numbers with my fingers in the mirror too. I think this lasted around 5 or 10 minutes. I got lost in my mind for the first time I think, and I can't exactly remember what was going on in my mind at the time, but it was the "downloading" feeling that I would come to recognize later. I really liked it, and thought for some reason that I was communicating with something divine.
A few days after this, I decided to try meditation. I am a very busy person, so I tried to make my own method that would help me be productive while meditating. Now I don't do this, because I don't know what the affects are or what I was doing.
What I would do is put myself on "auto-pilot" while doing things that are mundane. In doing this, I would retreat into my mind on purpose, focusing on the internal and not putting any thought or consideration into what my body was doing. When I'd do this, I could think things over in my head and my body would move on it's own, getting things done very quickly. It feels like dance energy, if that makes any sense. I would even say it feels like giving control of my body to my animalistic body. House work seems to get done more than twice as fast than if I would do it without getting into this state. So, I did it often.
That ended one night, when I was doing dishes, I felt my mind slip and I got very dizzy and lightheaded. I sat down and my head felt so heavy I had to lay it on the table. I was sweating and a my body was shaking, and I felt myself heat up. I couldn't move at all, and it felt like I couldn't control my body. I think the physical symptoms could have been very related to the anxiety of not being able to move. When I could finally gain control of my body, it was like a surge of vertigo and I vomited.
So, I stopped doing that and went back to studying.
However, a bit after this is when the trances started. It was like my mind would not let me NOT go into this state, so now it happens against my will and without me noticing until it's over.
And, the more this happens, the further I get into my studies and the more answers come that I need to find.
This worries me somewhat. I don't know what it is. Here's my ideas;
1. I've gone nuts (hopefully not)
2. I'm in contact with my subconscious, or 'higher self' maybe.
3. I've accidentally gotten a demon looking into the wrong things.
4. Aliens?
5. I've developed a split personality somehow, but don't know how to comprehend it.
6. My body maybe was astral projecting before, and somehow got addicted to it?
7. Something is helping me study because I'm getting closer to my goals.
8. Messages from 'God'?
9. I've become receptive to some sort of energy field and interact with it when things from that field are drawn to that receptiveness.
10. Psychotic daydreaming?
Well, that's that situation in my life right now. I would really appreciate any direction in this or advice. Thanks for reading all of this, I've been trying to channel what this is through automatic drawing and writing but it's something I can't quite grasp yet.
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