For as long as I can remember, I've never felt like a human. I've always had psychic abilities, but I'm not sure I feel I know how to use or control them. They flash up whenever they want and sometimes don't return for weeks. I have sensed the future in my dreams, felt others' thoughts, felt energies (I don't see auras, rather, feel them), and have had problems with a demon/spirit.
This spirit never fully communicates with me, I don't see it and it doesn't talk to me. I know it's there, though. It touches me and rocks me, in consoling, comforting way. It follows me, everywhere. I see quick, dark shadows sometimes, which lead me to believe its the demon/spirit. I tried to communicate with it once by writing down what I wanted to tell it, and in response I felt a tingling on my shoulder and someone pushing me down, inch by inch, as if they were leaning on me and applying more pressure every few seconds. Finally, I had sat straight up, and they left me alone. As far as I know, there's only one of them. It makes me feel special, though I know I am without it.
That's not what makes me feel inhuman, though. There are so many small things that if I were to list them all, I'd be sitting here typing all week, so I'll just explain some, for now.
I constantly feel like I've been born into the wrong time. I feel hundreds of years old, anywhere from 200 to 500 years old. Though I am 15 physical years old, I am often told I should be at least 100. I feel strangely connected to the Renaissance through the Victorian eras. I can remember odd places and people, which I believe (by the looks of clothes, architecture, etc) to be from these times. I remember walking through specific villages, hearing people speak old English, and knowing people there, who I've never met in person before. I understand this could be me having flashbacks of my ancestors, but it just seems different. Like I've lived for 400 years, fell asleep, and woke up in this time.
Now brings me to my most frustrating points. I feel smothered. All the time. My whole body seems to feel suffocated. I feel like I can't move, yet my limbs and muscles work fine. The easiest way I can put it is that it feels like there's something inside of me, the real me, that's trying to get out. Something always feels suppressed. Sort of like there's an extra limb, maybe? That sounds weird. I hope it doesn't come across wrong.
Sorry if I sound crazy, as I type I feel more nervous that nobody will understand, as nobody I know does. About two years ago I went to a doctor for anxiety and she insisted I was demonic. I definitely do not think I am, nor ever was, demonic.
This is what angers me. I feel so powerful. But I can't use this. Mainly because I don't know how, but even if I did, I don't think I could use it in this body. I know this sounds, weird, or even normal, but I know it's not. I've always felt otherworldly, from another realm. My entire life I've believed in other worlds, realms, planes, the afterlife. And whenever I've shared this with anyone, therapists, doctors, my mother, they just tell me not to worry about it. But it drives me crazy. I want to scream and fly. I know I can fly, I have. In my dreams or whenever I close my eyes, I'm flying.
I have huge wings, but I can never see them. In my visions when I fly, I know these monstrous wings are there but I can't see them.
I guess I've reached my breaking point, turning to the Internet for answers for this, but I finally need them. I can't wait any longer.
I feel unawakened.
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