The time that everything became real to me was during my sister in law's pregnancy. Her and him both only being 17 years of age on their way to become new parents. I was scared for them as well as the rest of the family. So it wasn't anything new to have worry on the heart, mind and soul. Although what happen with me became very clear that it wasn't only a sisters fear at play.
About two months before she was due to have the baby I got this sudden feeling of what I would describe as panic or even distress. I came to my fiance and asked him what he would think if we were to adopt the baby if something were to come up. He asked why? Was I aware of something that has gone wrong.
I told him no, and got down on my knees and in total desperation tried to explain that I have this feeling that the baby will be born. After her birth there would be situation to be faced and a choice to be made. Child protective would come in, and I would be given the first option to take that baby for her safety. At the moment when this was to happen I would have to make a decision, and it would not be a happy one.
I also stressed to him that I wanted his support. That I knew there was a choice to be made and hoping that it would work out for the best for everyone.
Two months after her birth they lost the baby to CPS, and I was asked to care for her but couldn't for the sake of money issues with us already having 4 kids. I declined and stepped back from the situation, my mother hated me for the choice I made for my family and dis-owned me as her daughter for turning my back on family. I still to this day regret saying I couldn't but it wasn't fair to me or my own family because of money issues.
The hardest part of it all was I already knew it was going to happen and still could do nothing to change the outcome. It was a no win situation. It is not any easier when you know it is coming either.
Although what good did come out of it was that was the day I realized I was a little different then a lot of people. I still have a hard time "understanding" how it all works. But now no longer try to deny my gifts.
Crystal
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