How To Control Your Abilities?

For a long time, I have had different types of psychic-ly related experiences. The earliest of these, I remember was seeing a newspaper obituary and realizing I had dreamt of this particular moment. I must have been about 8 or 9 then. Déjà Vù has been pretty routine for me all along. At first, it scared me because of the inability to feel in control when it happens. I once attempted to stop myself from reacting in the moment and change what I was about to say, but the end result was still the same so over the years, I have just learned to accept it as part of who I am and gave up trying to control it.

I have always trusted my intuition and have had a very intimate relationship with it. At first, I used to doubt myself and if I met someone I didn't like, I would always talk myself into giving them the benefit of the doubt, and in the end, they did something to betray/disrespect me or were just people that could not be trusted. In time, I also learned to just not doubt myself. However, I've never asked questions and sought direct answers or direction. It's just something that comes on when I interact with people. For the most part, I am really good at picking up how people are feeling and if they are not genuine. I can't say that I know exactly what they are thinking, but just if they are hiding something or not.

Along the same vein, I have always been able to send people that are close to me telepathic messages. I basically want to say something to them, but don't, and they hear my voice and ask what did you say? Usually, this happens with people I have a more intimate relationship with; both my kids, husband, mother, etc.

I also know I have lived before. About a decade ago, I had a set of recurring continuous incredibly vivid dreams in which I saw the events leading up to my death and my dead body laying on the ground as my spirit was leaving it behind. I witnessed the moment I realized who was responsible for my death and how they did it and the fact that I was dead. Those dreams were incredibly disturbing, but at no moment, did I have any doubt about what they were. I just knew they were glimpses of who I had been before and I guess I just needed to acknowledge them and remember.

Ghost-wise, I was a hardcore skeptic until I was in my teens when I had several experiences with an angry ghost in a friend's home. The ghost left me several voice messages through an answering machine, and I didn't realize what they were until I touched base with the person who set up the machine that it was something supernatural. Even then, to be honest, I would rationalize it because I never saw an actual apparition. Well, until I went for a long weekend to another friend's extended family member's home a couple of years later. It was a historical home and it was the first time I saw an actual apparition staring me square in the face and not moving. He was just standing right before me and my friend at the same time. He stood before us for a good 3 minutes and we were both frozen in place. I didn't realize until later that I had seen something much different than she had. For her, it was a feeling and a mist. For me, it was a solid grey black man, kind of like a shadow. However, I thought it was something more exclusive to the house itself rather than anything having to do with me. As I am writing this and recalling things, I am coming to the realization that I have been in contact with spirits in every place I have lived in. They've never been scary just kind of there and we have co-existed just fine.

In the past couple of years, I have had 2 experiences that shook me; not because they were frightening, but because I couldn't tell that I did not interact with real living beings until after the fact, and I also had my one and only vision, which made me really uncomfortable. For example, yesterday, I went to the zoo and we were walking around exploring and kind of planning what we would go see next. Ahead of us, there was a path leading to more exhibits down the road. The other closer path was about 15 feet away, there was a polar bear exhibit on the left. I saw one of the bears pacing at the top of the hill in its habitat. We decided to go on ahead and come back to the polar bears later since the kids wanted to see the other animals. When we came back to check out the polar bears, the habitat's swimming hole was empty and looked dirty, completely dry, and unkempt as if it had been desolate for some time. I stood there for a few minutes looking around and thinking that maybe the bear was hiding somewhere, but felt something was off. Why would they keep the bears in such a run-down enclosure? Then, I noticed a placard that basically said that their last polar bear had been euthanized at least a year ago. I felt really foolish admitting to my kids that I had seen a bear that just wasn't there. It really bugged me because the bear I saw looked so real. I had no clue he wasn't really there. This was not the only time I have seen an apparition look completely solid and not be able to tell it wasn't a living breathing creature. It's almost as if the older I get, the better I can see them.

The vision - I was on the subway a few years back, and there was an article on a really high profile local disappearance of a young boy. No one knew if he was alive by then. After I had read the latest update, I went to turn the page and touched the boy's picture. All of a sudden, I felt as if I had been teleported to another place; a kitchen, and was watching the missing boy in front of me (kind of like a movie) crouched down and trapped inside a medium sized dog cage on the floor in a corner of the room crying in nothing but his underwear. He was rattling the bars, and as unpredictably as it started, the vision was over, and I was back in my seat on the subway. It felt as if I had just woken up abruptly out of a nightmare. I was so thankful that I was sitting down when it happened because I wasn't aware of my physical body when it happened. A few days later, they announced that they found a body part floating in a river and thought it was his. They were going to test for DNA. They did find it indeed belonged to him. I was so sad and felt so helpless and guilty for not being able to do something to help him.

I would be a hypocrite if I stated that I don't believe I possess some natural abilities. I have read on meditation and visualization and found I am terrible at visualizing. It takes a LOT of concentration for me although I am a very visual kind of person in my daily life. Maybe it's just a matter of a lot more practice and discipline? I would love to be able to harness my abilities so that at least I can tell when it's happening, and be able to actually draw information from those moments. I just feel these things are happening to me instead of me being an active participant, and that bothers me. Anyways, any advice would be appreciated, but if nothing else, it feels good to just share since this isn't something I feel comfortable sharing with close friends or coworkers.