The Phantom Poet (from Romania)

My posts here are part of an ongoing saga, it seems. Don't get me wrong; I'm thankful for this website. I've really benefited from the communication I've had with others, though I still have yet to run into anyone exactly like myself.

I haven't been keeping super close track but it seems like the posts regarding feelings of alienation are increasing. I'm seeing more and more talk of it on youtube as well. There's definitely something going on in this neck of the universe.

I just got done replying to a post where the author described her feelings of alienation. I don't think they were as intense as mine--not to suggest it's a competition, or anything--but I've experienced some world-class frustration as the result of my feelings of alienation, and I didn't quite sense that in her. Though to be fair I have a number of years on her, from what I can gather, giving my frustration time to ferment into something nastier.

I'm forty now, and I've spent the majority of my adult life feeling like I don't belong, like an outsider condemned to simply watch the many bipedal primates around me go about their ways, each day the same. It's left me dreaming about a day when I might exist among those who understand me, because we're on the same wavelength--because we see, and understand the same things.

I understand something that most people don't, though I don't know what that is. It's the feeling that something isn't right here on Planet Earth. That things aren't adding up. I tend to agree with the Hindu idea of Maya, that all of this is all illusion, but I see an intelligence at work in the Universe giving a certain significance to all that's happening.

People to me are becoming more and more automatic and robot-like. They're resembling machines more all the time.

And the synchronicity has really been happening to me lately. I've been seeing special numbers like crazy, mostly on clocks. It used to be 323, 314, and 420 (314=pi and 420=cannabis). Now it's 1:11, 11:11, and 4:20. Many times a day. I woke up yesterday morning at exactly 4:20.

Then two days ago I was laying in a hammock when a dragon fly landed on the rope on the right side. I hadn't seen a dragon fly in quite a while, but this one landed within a few inches of me, and I knew there was something to it. I had the feeling right then that there was something special about it.

This morning a dragon fly landed on the ground right next to me. It was the second one I've seen in a long time.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my Dad. The relationship I have with my Dad is hard to describe. I think my Dad would be one of the last people on this entire planet to understand me. I've always known my Dad loves me, but over the years he's done a lot of things to hurt me, without even realizing it. I've sometimes wondered if he's autistic, because of the inability he has to understand other people. Everything with my Dad is mechanical and automatic, like he's a trained animal just going through the motions.

Yesterday my Dad said something to really undermine some recent enthusiasm I've been feeling. His timing was impeccable, like always. It's like he knows when I'm most vulnerable to his criticism and disapprobation of me, and takes the opportunity to do his worse. Though, in reality, my Dad isn't that smart. It feels more like someone's in the other room with a remote control, causing him to say the things he does. I mean, I've never known a person less spontaneous, less aware, less capable of thinking for themselves, who could do more damage by saying just the perfectly wrong thing at the exactly wrong time.

My Dad's overall energy really wears on me. Just being around him bothers me. I mean, at a very deep-level. At the soul level. My Dad's a good person, too, as far as actions are concerned. But most of the time he's the last person I want to be around. It feels like some part of him really has it out for me, though he's not aware of it.

As an adult reflecting on my childhood, my Dad never treated me like I was his real son. After observing some people I know who have stepsons, he treated me more like I was his stepson, though the physical similarities between us are hard to deny. I would love to find out that he's not my real Dad, because it would explain a lot of things, but I know he is. Though there's always been a deep resentment in him for me, and by using the word "deep" I don't mean "intense" as much as I mean "unconscious"; at a level he can't recognize.

My Dad has been by far the largest hindrance to my growth and development in almost every area. It's like he was put on this earth for the sole purpose of keeping me down, though again, he doesn't realize this. And I just don't understand this. I don't understand how or why we wound up being relatives. He really missed out on having a son, and I missed out on having a father, we're so different. I could never be the mindless, spineless robot for God that he wanted me to be. And my Dad could never think for himself, like I've wanted him to.

I don't have good relationships with any of my family members. Neither of my two sisters have talked to me for years now. I haven't gotten to see my nephews for years. I can hardly stand being around my Dad. My Mom is quite a bit more intelligent than my Dad, but I still can't connect with her on a deep level.

For decades my lack of connections to other people made me horribly sad, but a few weeks ago something snapped inside of me, and the pain I've felt from feeling so alone went away, for the most part. That's not to say I won't feel a little lonely from time to time, but I don't think I'll ever feel the deep hurt that comes from wondering why the people who are supposed to love me apparently don't.

I'll never know what it's like to be part of a loving family, and that's okay. That's actually a freedom. And ever since I've allowed myself to see it as such, my life has gotten better. My life has gotten much more interesting now that I'm no longer focused on earthly issues, like family. I actually see this more as my destiny; I was destined to be a loner, and go off on my own and figure things out. And, if there's such a thing as reincarnation, I won't have attachments to other people, because I literally don't have meaningful relationships with any of my family.

I dread the idea of coming back to earth one more time, if there's reincarnation. I think I'd rather become non-existent than come back to this planet again.

Anyway, the main reason I'm posting today is because of a recent experience I had that I know has some paranormal significance. I have a youtube channel where I have Carl Jung essays I've read aloud, and other essays and books, and someone posted a comment on one of my videos that seemed totally out of the blue, but made perfect sense to me. I had the strong sense when I read this person's comment that she was one of my kind. That would be the first of my kind I'd met in over three years.

Then she posted a very long poem, again very out of the blue, confirming to me that we are indeed very similar.

She posted both comments (one being a very long poem) close to midnight, and deleted them about 30 minutes later. Something told me I should copy and save her comments, so I did.

The only problem is that now I have no way of contacting her. Though, I'm thankful for my brief encounter with her (if that's all it ever ends up being) because it gave me some clues and got me pointed in the right direction.

I want to end by sharing some of the lines of this poem. Before I do let me warn you that, from what I can tell, English isn't her first language, and the poem wasn't overall perfect in the literary sense. But it had just enough deep and meaningful references for me to tell that there was something to it.

Before I paste these lines from the poem, and end this post, I'm going to mention my email address and invite anyone to send me a message, if you can relate.

My email address is whiskeydango at gmail.

Here's a snippet from the poem.

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Come now set your face against an ant and its platoon

Tell me if the ants, will of your power be afraid?

Tell me if you by you they will not be dismayed?

Have you counted the grains of sand in all the land?

Can you take the ocean and cup it inside your proud hand?

Tell me dear human if you can atoms with naked eyes see

YET YOU PRESUME THAT SOMEHOW YOU CAN SEE or know ME?

Oh earthling, if only you knew what dreams I had for you

If only you could feel my heart beating the universe through

What would you say then, what reason would you bear?

If you don't feel each other's sorrow, would you of mine care?

Every day you turn away, from each other's cries

Then indeed I tell you, never upon me shall you set your eyes

Atheists and religions, tell me rules of which I must conform

May I ask you human, who formed you before you were born?

Do you think indeed that I am a pharaoh on a throne

Do you think the heavens don't move and I am set in stone?

You are but a mortal and your mind 7times sealed off

You can barely get out of bed and at my powers you scoff

Nothing is perfect because you're supposed to grow

In consciousness... You reap exactly what you sow!

Your ancestors broke many laws a long time ago...

You forgot Human, forgot all that you know.

Laws aren't to punish you but inherent in creation