I've Never Felt Human So What Could I Be

Let me begin by saying, I am not a gifted clairvoyant. My entire family seems to be very in tune with their spiritual self but that gift seemed to miss me. I can sometimes guess the outcomes of certain situations and can recite a conversation before it happens every now and again but it is a very rare occasion. Again, I may not be a gifted clairvoyant, but I may be crazy. Please don't take this submission as the raving of a 16 year old that saw a movie about spirits and monsters and now believes that she may not be human. This has been going on for around four years and is only getting worse. It's a very embarrassing topic to speak about because it's so far fetched. I feel dumb anytime I try to even talk about it.

This thing started in seventh grade when I was going through a lot of changes. I thought this weird feeling could be summed up to me becoming a young woman and tried to think nothing of it. (This is where the embarrassment starts.) There was this pain in my chest that was like a surge of electricity that dissipated into waves throughout my torso. It hurt a little and was really uncomfortable but felt good for some reason. It filled me with energy but also made me weak at the same time, which is an odd thing to go through. This is seventh grade so it wasn't as strong as it is now but it could stop me in my tracks every week or so. The thing that was worrying about it was what caused it. I would only get the feeling whenever I saw or was anywhere around blood. The very thought of it could bring it up and movies about vampires were sometimes too tough to sit through. I know how dumb this sounds. I'm beating myself up for even proposing something like this, but by this point I've run out of options.

A few years have passed and it's gotten much worse. The feeling can get so strong that my body contorts in backbreaking ways. It's like I don't have any control over myself and I become almost animalistic. Sometimes I even notice a low growl and am surprised to realize it's coming from me and not an animal. While I'm on the subject of animals, dogs really don't like me. It's like they're scared to see me come up to them. Here are a couple examples of what happens when I approach a dog. Keep in mind I'm normally very wary of big dogs and avoid them at all costs. (was attacked as a kid, I panic if one runs in my direction) Sometime in the past couple of years however this strange trend began. If a dog, no matter what size, was being threatening towards me, the feeling would come back slightly and I'd get this overwhelming feeling of power. All I have to do is look at the dog and it begins to back up and whimper like it had been hurt. It has left my mom and friends dumbfounded on multiple occasions. Once my friend warned me that his dog didn't like new guests and would often try to bite or attack when meeting them. His dog was on the couch, propping himself up on the back and I did the same thing to it. It got so scared that it jumped and fell off of the couch. It scrambled to get to its feet before running to a different room.

Now that I'm older the feeling is much stronger but doesn't happen as often. I can get through a vampire movie or be around blood without much issue but it still happens. If someone is hurt or bleeding next to me and I think about it, I'll start to feel it gradually build up inside of me. I can hear this voice within me going "You know you want to do it. Just take it." And everything starts to get blurry. My head begins to feel light and I may even press my lips onto them (shoulder or crook of neck) while hugging them. I'm very affectionate so people don't get confused if my lips are randomly on them. My heart starts pounding in my chest and I have to force myself back into reality before something bad happens.

The feeling in my chest is like this strength or power that I can't control. It gets very strong on the nights leading up to the full moon. On these nights I can't focus on anything and am left breathing heavily and writhing in my bed. I sometimes claw or bite into myself to regain my composure but it never works. The growling sounds that I sometimes make turn more into roars and I begin to feel unbearably confined in my body. It's like there's a part of me that's trapped and is trying its absolute hardest to rip itself from my skin. Sometimes when this is happening, I manage to convince myself that my eyes changed colors for a brief moment (even though there's no way that's happened.) It's nothing drastic like blue to red though. I have very dark brown eyes naturally but when this happens they look more like a dull gold. Much brighter than my normal color that almost looks black.

People have tried to suggest to me before that this may be the handy work of a demon or some like force but I know for a fact it is not. I really need advice on this because I honestly feel insane. I've been looking for help and have considered everything. Please understand that this is a very difficulty situation that is affecting my school life and myself greatly. I'm about to graduate and go to college soon so I have to find the answers I need quickly if I have any hopes of being successful. Thank you for any information or personal experiences you can share with me.